Hello, my name is Erin...

[Izabella]

I need a little help with this 'un. I like the ending, I just don't like how I wrote it. I mean, the events should be the same, but can you guys suggest something to make it a little more... a little better?

 

896-7053

 

May I speak to Mr. Harper please?Hi, my name is Erin and I’m calling from Epilepsy Newfoundland and Labrador. We’re running our Calendar Campaign again this year, and we were just wondering if you’d be interested in making a contribution to aid epilepsy programs in our province?

 

Ok.

 

Yes.

 

Ok.

 

No, I understand completely. Have a great evening, Mr, Harper.

 

896-7083

 

May I speak to Mr. Martin please? Oh, ok. Is this his wife? Hi Mrs. Martin, my name is Erin and I’m calling from Epilepsy Newfoundland and Labrador. We’re running our Calendar Campaign again this year, and we were just wondering if you’d be interested in making a contrib-

 

Dial.

Get rejected.

Thank you.

 

Day after day, call after call. Please? No thank you. Ok then.

 

She turns the sheet. This is an old one, covered in pen marks and doodles, and short, triumphant ribbons of pink hi-liter. One name left, one name not hi-lited. David Constable. She picks up the receiver; calls him again.

 

896-3345

 

Hello, you’ve reached David. I’m sorry that I can’t be here to take your call. Please leave a message and I’ll call you back as soon as I can. Thanks, and have a great day.

 

She smiles and hangs up. The machine catches one soft sound, an indrawn breath, the sigh of a ghost. She calls again.

 

896-3345

 

Hello, you’ve reached David. I’m sorry that I can’t be here to take your call. Please leave a message and I’ll call you back as soon as I can. Thanks, and have a great day.

 

His voice is wonderful. Scottish. Lovely. He knows what chivalry is. She can hear it in every word, in every syllable. He has an old grace. He knows; she’s sure he does.

 

And he’s beautiful. The kind of person she could love from the very beginning, from the first moment she hears his voice and sees his face. He’ll be an English prof, of course. He’ll know about everything she loves and he’ll teach her things she cannot now understand. He’ll open her eyes and show her a beautiful world. He’ll make everything perfect; he’ll take away the grey.

 

He won’t rescue her. Smart girls nowadays don’t need to be rescued. But he’ll help her. She’ll lean on him when she needs to and, when it comes time, return the favour. She’ll be there when he needs her, and even when he doesn’t. But then again, maybe he’ll always need her. That would be nice.

 

896-5127

 

Hi, may I speak with Mr. Layton please?Hi, Mr. Layton, my name is Erin and I’m calling from Epilepsy Newfoundland and Labrador.

 

He’ll have grey hair because he’ll be wise. He’ll have blue eyes because he’ll be honest. He’ll have a tanned face and his skin will be just slightly hardened, like her grandfather’s. He’ll know what an honest day’s work feels like, and it will show on his face.

 

We’re running our Calendar Campaign again this year, and we were just wondering if you’d be interested in making a contribution to aid epilepsy programs in our province?

 

He’ll be generous. He’ll be rich. They’ll both be professors. She’ll finally own a Jag. He’ll bring her roses on her birthday and they’ll fill their house with books and music and they’ll teach their children to love those things. They’ll look like him, and they’ll talk with a hint of their father’s accent.

 

$20.00? That’d be great, thank you so much. Would you like to do that by mail? Ok. And is your address the same? Ok, great. I’ll pop that in the mail tomorrow, and you can send back a cheque at your earliest convenience. Thanks so much, Mr. Layton.

 

Another slash of pink hi-liter. Another form to fill out. Almost time to go. She shuffles through the sheets. What could it hurt? She calls him again and waits for the peremptory three rings to end, for the sound of his recorded voice.

 

One.

 

Two.

 

Hello?

 

She is still. She is shocked.

 

Hello, may I speak with Mr. David Constable please? Hi Mr. Constable, my name is Erin and I’m calling from Epilepsy Newfoundland and Labrador.

 

It feels wrong, but she can’t stop. There’s a bitter taste in her mouth.

 

We’re running our Calendar Campaign again this year, and we were just wondering if you’d be interested in making a contribution to aid epilepsy programs in our province?

 

Shut up. Stop talking. Hang up.

 

$20.00? That’d be great, thank you so much. Would you like to do that by mail? Ok. And is your address the same? Ok, great. I’ll pop that in the mail tomorrow, and you can send back a cheque at your earliest convenience. Thanks so much, Mr. Constable.

 

Click. She hangs up. He’s gone, but his $20.00 is heading her way. She knew he’d be generous. A final slash of a pink hi-liter. On to another call.

 

896-4199

Edited June 16, 2004 by Enitharmon

[Ozymandias]

First of all, this is beautiful. I mean it, this is at least the equal of about 70% of the professional short stories I've ever read in grammar, layout, believeability, and emotion.

 

Personally, the only thing I can think of that could use changing is don't leave it as "$20.00" Change those to her saying "Twenty dollars". I think it would flow better.

[Tanuchan]

I personally like both the story and the ending, specially the way Erin dreams about David and how his answering the phone puts reality in first plane. I can't see what exactly you didn't like about the ending. For me, it fits well the story. It doesn't go on and on trying to describe too much of Erin's feelings, but it does convey a sense of loss.

 

And I agree with Ozy, both in saying that this is beautiful and that saying "twenty dollars" would make it flow better.

 

Hope you share more stories with us.

[Lady Celes Crusader]

I do think it's a nice ending and I like the feel of hope and shyness we see in it. I don't think there's anything much to change, in my opinion.

[Yui-chan]

You haven't asked for nitpicks, so I won't nitpick, though I do notice a handful of punctuation errors scattered throughout (mostly, missing commas). As for overall, I agree with the others that the sparse writing style and blunt approach is very effective in this short story. I can understand that you might feel like it's a little bare-bones, but that's exactly what makes it gritty and realistic enough to be evocative. Flowery language takes the edge of modern-day reality off of a piece, and you definitely want this to be edgy.

 

Also, I agree that the ending works. The only thing that I might change is the last telephone number. It feels a little too abrupt to me in terms of flow, so I think you might want to consider just dropping that line right off. I would have thought she would pause, reflect, take a moment to deal with the disappointment and excitement both of having spoken to him. The phone number being there makes it seem like she just ... plowed on through to the next, and I get this feeling as if that act would cheapen the experience that is the basis of the story. Perhaps that's what you're going for, though?

 

Anyway, this really is refreshingly written and enjoyable. It's a real challenge to engage your audience with very few words, yet here you have us all caught. Well done.

 

Two cents from,

~Yui

[Ozymandias]

Now that I've read their thoughts too (hey! I can read womens' minds! FINALLY! ~sorry. Had to do it. {:>) ), I completely agree with Tanny *and* Yui.

 

Definitely change the "20" and dropping the last number could help too.

 

Other than that, this bad boy is done, I'd say.

[Katzaniel]

Just one minor thing, but I think you need to consider making the last names more random. (For the 95% of the people here who can't have noticed: Harper, Martin and Layton are very prominent Canadian politicians). At Harper and especially at Martin I found myself wondering if the character was supposed to be calling politicians, except that it didn't seem to fit or make any sense, that they'd be calling them at home and whatnot. This was very distracting in an otherwise excellent piece. Well done.

[Tamaranis]

I haven't been very active of late, but on a whim I clicked the story at the top of the page.

 

After Ozymandius and Yui each chip in their bit there typically isn't a lot left to say, but I'll just add this: I work for a company called Arcas Direct Marketing. Sometimes charities hire this company to canvas over the phone for them, and you totally captured the hopelessness that sometimes swallows you up when you're trying to do that.

 

Of course, the experience has made me so bitter that I expected David Contable to be one of those people you immediately wish you weren't speaking with.

[Izabella]

Yay, awesome!

 

Y'know, you never see most of those things when you read your own stuff. Maybe it's because it all makes sense in your head. So, I'm taking out the last number, changing the "$20.00" and calling 'er finished.

 

Oh, and the names I put in for my own amusement. ^^ I pictured a Uni prof telling his students who those guys were (in case they didn't already know) and having a healthy harr harr at my political leanings. Mebbe I'll change the names for now, seeing as they're pretty noticible. But I'll put 'em back in ten year's time, if I remember this story exists by then.

 

Love you guys; thanks for the help.

 

Bella

[Katzaniel]

Just a thought, then... you could temporarily put in politicians from ten years ago, like maybe Campbell, Manning, McDonough (sp?)... I mean, in case you forget about it.

[Quincunx]

Oh, and the names I put in for my own amusement. ^^ I pictured a Uni prof telling his students who those guys were (in case they didn't already know) and having a healthy harr harr at my political leanings.

Harr harr!

 

On the first reading of this, I thought that the narrator was actually part of a scam! I mistook the misgivings when she called David for the third time. It's a misperception that cleared up on the second reading, but keeps coloring my view of the story.