Zadown's Prelude to 'Ward' - Assembly Rm

[Yui-chan]

Gah! ... I can't decide whether to be really pleased that you're writing it, alarmed by the mental image of the Dreamer's grin, or horrified for the sake of the child. @_@

 

Thanks, Zadown. This is definitely going to be an interesting tale...

 

*sets up the perpetual poking machine to ensure multiple timely updates in the 'Ward' story*

 

Yours,

~Yui

[Zadown]

*blocks the perpentual poking machine with a sign that says "After the events told in 'Web' ..."*

[Yui-chan]

I didn't want to open a new thread, but ...

 

Ward is great, Zadown. It's everything I'd hoped to see in and about the Dreamer, and the Little Princess is a treasure! I find it reassuring that even the immortal Planewalker is susceptible to the love of a child.

 

Mwah! I wait with bated breath for every new post.

 

Sincerely,

~Yui

[Zadown]

Thanks, Yui! Ye poked me to this direction, ya know.

 

As for the Dreamer going all mushy, that might be partially true .. but part of it is his concern how to protect his long-term time investment. How big a part, well, we'll see, neh? As we shall see how much of his hardness transfers to the little growing girl...

[Yui-chan]

Thanks for the riches of Ward, Zadown. As always, they were gems.

 

I loved the battle in particular, mutedly horrible and understatedly difficult, especially since we weren't even aware of the most alarming portion of it until the very end. Poor Jankiize. It's a good lesson to learn, though, especially since she's so tied to a Planewalker's existence... for now.

 

I'm already starting to get curious about the endgame. What'll be left for Janki after growing up with the Dreamer, if she even survives the acquisition of the Grail? Much to think about...

 

Thank you!

~Yui

[Yui-chan]

Well, after a short delay, I've finally read the finale and epilogue to Ward, Zadown, and I hope you're proud of what you've accomplished. As a whole, I thought the tale had a wonderful balance of all the best parts of a fantasy story - action, drama, magic, battle, monsters, fascinating lore and intriguing characters. Your descriptions were just rich enough to be clear without being cumbersome. Your language and tone were crystalline and consistent, giving unity and precision to a long tale written in many sessions (which can be very challenging!). Grammar, punctuation and spelling were in great shape throughout, especially given your tendency to dislike revision.

 

This is an A+ piece, Z, like the vast majority of what you write.

 

Thank you for taking a vague, spur-of-the-moment suggestion and turning it into a masterpiece, and extra-thankyous for being kind enough to share it with us while you did it. I've really enjoyed Ward from start to finish, and I'm grateful that you've given us such a unique glimpse into the Dreamer's inner life and workings. It's everything I hoped to see when we first talked about the concept - and more!. I can't wait to find out what's next.

 

On that note.... I hope you'll reconsider your urge not to post 'Oblivion'. I'm very interested in seeing it, and your comments in your writer's journal are very teasing. Please?

 

Yours sincerely,

~Yui

[Zadown]

Thank you, Yui. I'd blush if I didn't know ye've taken Flattery 101.

 

On that note.... I hope you'll reconsider your urge not to post 'Oblivion'. I'm very interested in seeing it, and your comments in your writer's journal are very teasing.  Please?

That was just morose morning thought, a dip to well below average mental weather ... I'll post it, of course, but not quite yet. Perhaps at the first 5k or first 10k words, dunno. There's nothing much to see yet anyways, it starts with such a languid pace. Just all that stuff I know you hate anyways like character interaction, dialogue ... *grin*

 

And it's prolly not the last Dreamer piece either. Diary entries are unedited reflections of current state of mind so they aren't too reliable.

[Wyvern]

So... I recently read through all of "Ward" as one collective story, and I think that it's an excellent piece of writing Zadown. I particularly loved the relationship that you established between Jankiize and the Dreamer, as the ambivalent emotions and situations that played out between the two of them were excellent. The Dreamer has always been an awesome character to read in his chaotic mannerisms and calm yet spiteful ways, and the inclusion of Jankiize seemed to offer a new caring side to his personality that only further developed him as a character. Similarly, I found the ambivalent relationship that you established between the orders of Chaos and Law fascinating, as each of the sides seemed to have their strengths and weaknesses yet neither was clearly good or evil. A number of the descriptions and dialogues in the text were also brilliant, and there were many memorable scenes that really stood out for me. A couple that immediately come to mind are: the scene where Jankiize recieves her first scar as a youth, the scene when Jankiize escapes from her room into the halls of the Pen, the episode where the Dreamer travels to the Chaos Fortress and scars Tlaiv de Varmeghast, and the moment where the Dreamer finally gets to flex the power of the Grail that he's been searching for for so long (the lil fire balls and Maidens of Daggers' were wikkiiiid fresh!) Also, I thought the manner that the earlier chapters were split into two sections was an interesting narrative technique, as the seperate stories held my interest for the course of the narrative.

 

I also thought it was really cool how you involved elements of the Pen into the story, such as Jankiize's exploring its halls and Yui's lessons on womanhood, and I'm happy to see that the Pen is important enough to enter into the Dreamer's epics. Wyvern has gotta visit Arkstâd one of these days... they seem to have a great deal of respect for money, and a wonderful sense of fashion at that. ;-) (of course, who knows what connotations the lizard might have read "leatherclad wyvern-riders" under... ;-p)

 

In terms of potential improvements for this story, should you wish to go back over it and edit it some day... there were moments in the story involving Jankiize that lagged for me a bit near the end. While Jankiize has a great character throughout most of the text, her personality seems to be most apparent in her interesting interactions with the Dreamer, and is not quite as present when she's acting solo. This was particularly apparent to me in the scenes detailing the preparations of Jankiize, Graeher, and Sreacjim before the final battle, which kind of dragged for me and made me eagerly await the Dreamer's reappearence to liven things up. I also thought that the Dreamer's agreeing with Jankiize to fight out the war for Arkstâd was reached rather quickly given his long planning and preperation to take the Grail, not to mention the potentially disasterous consequences for staying for the fight. Also, Jankiize mentions that the Dreamer should stay to fight as he's a hero to Arkstâd, yet the reactions of the people of Arkstâd suggested to me that they didn't think highly of him, and you might want to clarify their admiration for him. Finally, the random wyvern-guard soldier that shows a love interest for Janikiize didn't really seem to add anything to the story for me, and could probably be dropped.

 

Another minor thing that bugged me a little throughout the story is that we never get a very clear sense of Jankiize's age in any of the segments, as her naiive and somewhat childish ways seem to stick with her up into adulthood. This might be corrected with something as simple as mentioning exactly how old she is through some dialogue or an observation or two.

 

Minor complaints aside, this is an excellent and provocative story that I thoroughly enjoyed reading, and a welcome addition to the Dreamer's extensive resume. It's always a bit sad to finish such a detailed and intriguing work... I'll be certain to read through "Oblivion" when I get the chance.

 

Great stuff!

Wyv-

 

P.S: So, the sword was called "Winter's Touch" in the end, eh? I remember that IRC conversation well... Frosty's Reaper? St. Nick's Sabre? Rudolf's Antler Horn of Doom? ;-p

[Zadown]

Thank you for the review, Wyvern - I'm glad you enjoyed 'Ward'.

 

As for the potential editing (which I never really do):

 

I also thought that the Dreamer's agreeing with Jankiize to fight out the war for Arkstâd was reached rather quickly given his long planning and preperation to take the Grail, not to mention the potentially disasterous consequences for staying for the fight.

The Dreamer is more than anything chaotic and ready to adapt to new situations at short notice. To him keeping Jankiize on his side was the most important thing - as long as she stayed on his side, there was hope for the Grail, and he has never been very good with people. It was easier for him to switch his battle plans than to find a certain way to persuade Jankiize, especially since he already had a plan B that involved fighting.

 

Also, Jankiize mentions that the Dreamer should stay to fight as he's a hero to Arkstâd, yet the reactions of the people of Arkstâd suggested to me that they didn't think highly of him, and you might want to clarify their admiration for him.

Not everything the main characters say to each other is 100% truth. People of Arkstâd regarded the Dreamer with a mixture of admiration, awe, fear and suspicion - he had been heralded as their savior in the myths, but those were old.

 

Finally, the random wyvern-guard soldier that shows a love interest for Janikiize didn't really seem to add anything to the story for me, and could probably be dropped.

For me he symbolizes the normal life she can't get, and is the sort of dead-end detail that happen in real life all the time. By not always using everything to fuel the story is my own private tiny rebellion against the streamlined Hollywoodian storytelling where every detail is there for a reason. Foreshadowing and recycling details is all well and good, but when overdone it can get tiring.

 

Another minor thing that bugged me a little throughout the story is that we never get a very clear sense of Jankiize's age in any of the segments.

The chapter numbers mean Jankiize's age - she is only 15 at the end of Ward, not quite adult.