Wealhtheow Posted June 1, 2004 Report Posted June 1, 2004 Any comments will do. I am all ears to hear what you thought of this, even if you declare it to be complete and utter <insert any synonym of a bad word>. Just don't read it and then think you're incapable of giving negative criticism and leaving that to someone else. I want YOU to reply, it will mean a lot to me. This poem was written about a year or two ago when my relationships were a bit shorter-lived. Anyway, make of it whatever you want. Just to let you know - I am personally very very very unhappy with the last line, but I have not got around to changing it yet. Sorry the Heart that lived by the sea that saw with a tear of dismay the coming and going of loves tenderly but none of them managed to stay. The pull of the wide and alluring sea too strong for the weaker of heart invited the lovers to leave without saying goodbye – for the want of new start. They just turned their backs and sailed away one after another they left. And each of the sweethearts beheld a new future whilst leaving the Heart of her sweetheart bereft. I am the lovers depending on going – a weaker of heart: which my actions express. My men are the Heart that’s repeatedly breaking – I am afraid that my life is a mess....
Ayshela Posted June 2, 2004 Report Posted June 2, 2004 very nice imagery through this - and i agree wholeheartedly about the last line. While i see your intent with it, it really doesn't fit. Unfortunately, at the moment i haven't any better suggestion. Of course, that leads to the question of what do you ultimately want to DO with that last line? Do you want simply to indicate your dissatisfaction or displeasure with the state of things? Is this something you actively wish to change and want to indicate that? Maybe you really like this and are unwilling to change it? *shrug* Where do you want to *go* with it? That will affect how you rewrite it. One question, though, also in the last stanza: a weaker of heart: which my actions express.do you mean "I'm weaker of heart" here? "a weaker" seems incomplete, though it fits your rhythm well.
Wealhtheow Posted June 3, 2004 Author Report Posted June 3, 2004 a 'weaker of heart' means a person with a weak heart (figuratively speaking). And yes, I actively wish to change that last line, any suggestions are welcome, even if it has little to do with conveying that my life is indeed messy. Anything poetic that rhymes with express wil do, suggestions are very, very welcome! My mind is blank and all I want is that last line to flow better, and have a final 'wow' to it. As it is now it's an anticlimatic last line, I think everyone agrees with me there.
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