Boaz Posted June 1, 2004 Report Posted June 1, 2004 Well, it has been a while but here is another atrocity or masterpeice, or maybe neither. Any and all comments would be loved. I hate blank stares and empty minds more than critisism. Trust me, I know the limits of my talent and take no hurt from suggestions or comments. I stand upon the path, one both untraveled, and yet worn bare. A life half unraveled. My youth behind me, doorways once past, become transparent barriers. A view unsurpassed. Left hand half full, in desperation tight, as sands of time slip. A man afraid of night. Right hand outstretched, opportunities like diamonds, but brighter than their kind. A future unconfined. A foot planted, while another strides, towards the unknown. A way to be shown. One after one, steps taken along the way, leading towards the end. A moment lived.
Wealhtheow Posted June 1, 2004 Report Posted June 1, 2004 great form, I like the first stanza best of all. You could take that stanza and it would be a great poem by itself. I don't know why you changed the rhyming scheme, it is a bit odd although at first one might not notice. However, call it poetic licence I didn't like the last two stanzas as well as I liked the rest, and I'll tell you why: the previous stanzas convey very wise truths and are really at the top, and although the two last ones are 'nice' they are not as great as what has been conveyed before. At the same time, they still tie in very well with the overal theme, so perhaps I shouldn't be commenting on that. But they're just so...forced...as if you still needed two stanzas to complete the poem, but your creativity slipped away.... Now my favourite line by far (apart from the first stanza which I have already praised highly) is 'a future unconfined'. I just think that is really good. It's in those subtle words, easily overlooked, that a truly beautiful poem manifests. Well done and write more
Ayshela Posted June 1, 2004 Report Posted June 1, 2004 half awake yet so can't give this what you i'd like to, yet. however, line two stopped me cold. "one both untraveled" - one? both? which? neither? *blink*
Boaz Posted June 1, 2004 Author Report Posted June 1, 2004 ah a little unclear.... One, both untravelled and yet worn bare. or One [that is] both untravelled and yet worn bare. I like the sound of it this way.. but the reader kinda has to just go with the flow for the astetic value. I guess a better version gramattically would be "I stand upon the path, One untravelled and yet worn bare. A life half unravelled."
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