lostpoet987 Posted May 31, 2004 Report Posted May 31, 2004 Who am I What can I do Are you out there Drowning too Dreaming dreams Crying acid All is quiet Strangely placid Can you hear me Screaming out loud Dreams of hatred I am not proud ~Lam
Peredhil Posted May 31, 2004 Report Posted May 31, 2004 You had me until the third stanza - I'm not very good at hatred or anger. Welcome! In your user profile, you might want to specify the level and type of feedback you realistically want to receive. I think the descriptions of different levels are a "sticky" thread in the Banquet Hall. -Peredhil
purple_shadows Posted June 1, 2004 Report Posted June 1, 2004 you might want to try punctuating it a bit for flow. my suggestion would be: Who am I, What can I do? Are you out there, Drowning too? Dreaming dreams, Crying acid. All is quiet, Strangely placid. Can you hear me Screaming out loud? Dreams of hatred, I am not proud. At least that is the way the flow works for me, but I could be wrong. Otherwise, i greatly enjoyed it, the feelings conveyed are one's I've often felt myself.
Wealhtheow Posted June 1, 2004 Report Posted June 1, 2004 I don't think you should add punctuation. I usually work with punctuation, but that's just my personal preference. It doesn't matter to me as a reader if you don't have punctuation - in fact, maybe it's even better without - no puncutation can reflect the utter sense of awareness that you lack something in your life. I think it's a very good poem, at least the first two stanzas were. I loved the way you described the lonelyness. It's really very clear, and touching! However, the last stanza is such a different style. Perhaps I'm just picky, but the last one just doesn't....flow as well as the others. The 'dreams of hatred' bit just seems to come out of nowhere, and leads to nothing. I guess it's just that one sentence that I'm not comfortable with. Otherwise I think it's excellent!!!
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