Finnius Posted May 30, 2004 Report Posted May 30, 2004 A knock at the door, and then I see, The face, the eyes, reflecting me. A smile, a laugh, but not from me, You've moved on dear, now I see. Inside I hurt, I cry, I wail, You slap my face, it hurts like hell. A figurative slap, still hurts like hell, My heart cries out, my soul it wails. Brief hellos, I say no words, Into my heart, like shrapnel shards. Into my soul, like cold glass shards, The non-involvment, no spoken words. The door closes, and I sink down, I open a bottle and drink it down, The bottle falls, just clinking down, And there I'm left, I think I'm down.
DL_Snake Posted May 30, 2004 Report Posted May 30, 2004 Heartbreak hotel..... *sigh* blue seems to be the mood nowaays *huggles*
Beautiful Nightmare Posted June 12, 2004 Report Posted June 12, 2004 *pouts and hugs* Its a really good poem i love the structure i dont think i have seen it before its really good i like the simplicity of the repeating words i love the poem
Wyvern Posted June 19, 2004 Report Posted June 19, 2004 My reactions to this piece are a bit mixed... I think that the subject matter chosen for the poem is heartfelt and that the repetition used throughout its structure is very well done, but am uncertain if I like the way the two elements compliment each other. The use of repetition and single rhyme scheme seems to give the poem a lighthearted sing-song quality to me, which doesn't reflect the morbid and depressing subject matter of heartbreak. Then again, I think that in the final stanza, the repitition compliments the theme superbly, as the continual reference to "down" really drives across the theme well. I also like the imagery you use throughout the poem, particularly those of the third stanza. Overall, it's a nicely done poem.
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