lord_nor Posted May 27, 2004 Report Posted May 27, 2004 (edited) This is going to be a part of a story I'm working on. I'm still in the initial phases of rounding out the characters, but this is what I have written so far. What do you think? ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- When darkness reigns, and evil prowls, Seizing minds with intentions foul. When dark the Sun circles overhead, And one and all's lives are filled with dread. A hero will rise to repair all. And make the mighty fall. Edited May 27, 2004 by lord_nor
Ayshela Posted May 27, 2004 Report Posted May 27, 2004 Sounds intruiging. There are a couple places where the rhythm is a bit rough, on a first read through, but going back over it i could adjust. Will be interesting to see what comes of this. =)
Alaeha Posted May 28, 2004 Report Posted May 28, 2004 Strange... The third line particularly seems rough. It's obvious that you rearranged it in Yoda-speak for the sake of the rhyme. Perhaps "The Sun, dark, circles overhead,"? The repetition of "when" isn't really necessary in this case I think. This is a continuation of the previous thought anyway. And just "the people's lives are filled with dread."? the one and all bit is a really rough read, I think. It has potential, it's just really rough in some spots. That probably just means you need some practice rhyming. Keep at it! It'll get easier to avoid Yoda-speak.
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