Yatsuna13 Posted May 25, 2004 Report Posted May 25, 2004 im cold my heart is frozen over and it burns me im cold my mind cant think clearly and i am lost im cold the words come out so scrambled and you are confused im cold there is no warmth to heal me and i am dead
Peredhil Posted May 25, 2004 Report Posted May 25, 2004 I like the "confusion" in the contrast between frozen and burns in the first stanza. While your poem effectively uses repetition (I'm cold) to build to a climax (I am dead) if you can think of combining more contrasts you might heighten the affect on the reader. Maybe something like:? I'm cold Motions of life. But I am dead.
Katzaniel Posted May 25, 2004 Report Posted May 25, 2004 I liked it, but I had roughly the same idea as Peredhil. I can't help but think that it would be better if you turned the whle thing upside down in the last stanza by switching two lines: im cold my heart is frozen over and it burns me im cold my mind cant think clearly and i am lost im cold the words come out so scrambled and you are confused im dead there is no warmth to heal me i am so cold
Wealhtheow Posted June 1, 2004 Report Posted June 1, 2004 I don't usually say this, but I think it's a wonderful poem. It may be a bit too depressing to my taste but it's excellently done. Don't change it one bit - I don't agree with the criticism at all. Leave it just the way it is - if someone else would have switched around 'im cold' and 'im dead' then that's their poem. Don't let them touch yours. I find I am more touched by simplistic poems that convey a genuine, deep emotion, than some crap (excuse the language) you find here that has lots of 'poetic' words embedded within the lines to give the false appearance of something 'professional'. In conclusion, I think you should be very proud and I hope that you warm up as well because it sounds awful, the state you're in.
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