Down to sleep

[Alaeha]

Finally gotten around to hauling this out of my pocket. I wrote this a few nights ago while spending the night at a friend's house. They fell asleep before I was ready to go to bed, so unfortunately I was without sleeping arrangements. I wrote this while bored, purely in fun.

 

Down to Sleep

 

Now they lay them down to sleep..

but I'm too cold and tired. Can't keep

on playing games until they wake,

but they've the blankets. I won't take

 

their pillows either, that'd be

unkind. But still, I doubt they'd grudge

some paper. Ink's ok, as well. I've got to pee...

 

I'm back. Still bored with naught to do

but sit and think, or lay and try

to sleep. And fail -- I've tried. Can you

sleep pillowless and cold? Nor I.

 

Ahh, heck. I'm tiring of this "song"

that's gone on, on, for far too long.

If they should die before they wake,

their beds are mine. Their heat I'll take.

[HappyBuddha]

Very cute . I like how it feels like its really following you along your progression through the night, especially the middle portions, which do this the most. Its just so out of the ordinary that you can't help but like it. Because of this, I have to express disatisfaction with the last stanze, which seems to try to make a rhyming structure too much - the structure you put in there detracts from the rambling quality of the rest of the poem. You want the entire thing to be free-flowing, and the structure can only inhibit that. Beyond this relatively minor complaint, great work! Good to see you're keeping yourself occupied =)

[blain]

I like the effect of having the end-rhymes not being the end of the phrase quite consistantly.

 

That three-line second stanza is interesting also. It could be interesting to fill in another line, but it's interesting leaving it as is too.

 

The last line of the third stanza implies that the answer to the question will be "no" for every reader, which may not be the case -- there are some odd ducks in the world. Perhaps making it "Not I" would work as well, without making that assumption.

 

Overall, quite good. Enjoyable. Cute at the end.

[Alaeha]

Yeah. When I was copying and revising that one over from my sheet of paper, I seem to have misplaced that line. I remember that it ended in "Oh fudge" since that's an exclamation that's fun and it rhymed. But I think I'll leave it this way as a tribute to my continuing sleepdepness.

 

But I consistently don't end my phrases and thoughts at the end of the line... nor even necessarily the stanza. Enjambment (sp?) is my friend.

 

Thanks for the comments on it, both of you!