Flux

[Zadown]

I'm finally trying to get some of my work published, and I felt that the easiest way is entering a Finnish short story competition by translating some of my older stuff, since they publish the winners in a scifi/fantasy magazine. I chose Flux (for reasons I've now completely forgotten, guess it seemed sufficiently stand-alone and new enough), and I've already almost completed the preliminary translation to finnish. Since there is a woeful lack of other finnish-speaking Pennites, I only ask help and critique with the story itself, its flow and structure.

 

I've translated it quite word to word and next step is for me to revise (and partially rewrite) it, so if the underlying story itself has some weaknesses I can't see with eyes blind to my own creation, I'd love to know. I'm also having great troubles in translating the term 'planewalker' to finnish, but can't really ask any help there I suppose. ;(

 

Oh, and since there is time, I might translate some other piece as well .. any recommendations on that?

[blain]

Sorry, I'm new here and don't know. Where is Flux at? If I can find it, I'll try to give some useful feedback. Sounds like you're looking for some higher level feedback, which is okay with me.

 

I don't know anything about Finnish, I'm afraid, but I can discuss story elements and stuff.

[Zadown]

Guess I should've linked it ... Flux.

[Yui-chan]

Poor Zadown. You've waited so patiently for a little bit of feedback on this story... I'm sorry it's taken me so long to put something together for you!

 

I think Flux is fun and well-written. I've tried to reread it from the perspective of someone new to the Dreamer who is reading a standalone story, and so I'll tailor my comments to those particular perspectives.

 

The story begins well by itself - a mysterious being doing mysterious, magical things in a mysterious place. There's just enough information and explanation to help me understand what's going on while still leaving a lot of enticing details to be explained. From there, it moves into action by way of detailing a little more about how this powerful creature operates and thinks. Sherishen is a good touch, as she demonstrates the ways in which he is different from a standard mortal. The Runelord is a good touch, as he does the opposite, showing that as powerful as he is, the Dreamer still has to struggle.

 

There are a lot of references to previous trips to the Castle of the Birds that I don't get, though. Since they are just detailed enough to be enticing, I find myself wishing for either a follow-on story or some sort of flashback to explain to me why this Dreamer creature has come to the Castle before and just what he has to do with the chained Seer. At first, I can't decide if I'm annoyed or intrigued, but when the blades start flying with the Runelord, I decide that this story is good enough that I forgive you either way.

 

By the time I reach the end, I'm wondering just what kind of being can take that much damage and still stand! Once again, you've reinforced the fact that the Dreamer is anything but human, and it begs the question of just how much damage is too much. What would it take to kill him? And then... "You?!"

 

... What? That's it? You who? Who's 'you'? @_@

 

Ack. I dunno if that's in your plan, but you just can't end a standalone story there, lest your adoring fans come and throttle you with their bare hands! I'm really not sure I can suggest a good way to cap this off at the endpoint of Flux, but I do think that (unless you're after a serial publication deal), it needs a little bit more resolution. The Runelord isn't dead. The Dreamer has disappeared to who-knows-where. Sherishen blinked in and out of the story and hasn't yet come full-circle around to having had an actual purpose in the plotline. Somehow, these loose ends need tied up or at least somehow woven together before I can quite declare this a story that's capable of supporting itself.

 

That said, you know I love Flux in its place within the larger Dreamer saga. If you can get a serial deal, all of these stories are paced and written with that perfect cliffhanger-ending mentality. They'd be great for that.

 

Now, I hope some of that helped. It wasn't easy for me to read with the perspective of a newbie to the Dreamer's world, so I might have come to some wrong conclusions. I'd recommend that you find someone who doesn't know anything about the Dreamer and hasn't read any of your other works and ask him/her to give you some impressions. It's a great story as you designed it, but the challenge now is going to be tailoring it to stand alone as a short.

 

Two Cents From,

~Yui

[Zadown]

Thanks for taking your time to go through it again, Yui. I was afraid the ending might have to be reworked, as Gwai already pointed towards that fault and I wasn't able to come up with suitable excuse. If there'd be infinite time and infite resources or if I could go back in time, I'd switch to Purgatory but at this point it is a bit too late to do that - guess I'll have to write a prologue and an epilogue or something.

 

*sigh*

 

I've started to hate Flux, working with it this much, but have to go the last miles since I started the journey. x_X

[Yui-chan]

Zadown-san,

 

I've done some more thinking, and I have a little suggestion that you can take or leave.

 

I think perhaps you have an acceptable ending to Flux if you just add a paragraph or two to the end, bringing Sherishen back into it and revealing the Dreamer as a captive of her circle. The switch, there, from weak human and strong Planewalker to strong human and captive Planewalker draws Sherishen back around in the plot and gives her a purpose while putting a nice cap on the story. It's a natural lull as opposed to the high cliffhanger you've got currently.

 

I've looked over Purgatory's beginning and I think the time you skipped between the stories might be the key. If you can just extend the end of Flux a few more minutes in time, perhaps give at least enough for the reader to know that the Dreamer has now become Sherishen's patient captive, it should be enough to give the sense of completion that the tale needs. Perhaps you could even word it such that it's not certain whether Sherishen is rescuing him or capturing him... after all, their earlier dealings were very amenable. Either is a possibility from the reader's perspective...

 

Your audience just needs to feel that the moment has become quiet and the danger is past. I think perhaps that could do it for you...

 

Anyway, one idea among many...

 

Good luck! It'll all be worth all the work when you see your story in the magazine.

 

Yours,

~Yui