#38

[Mira]

In empty rooms with empty walls

Down twisted stairs and endless halls

I search this house that I have built

With rotten wood and rusted nails

 

For a face once deemed lost

A price I paid at lofty cost

To live with mislaid mortal sin

For which atonement can't be sought

 

Why did I let you slip away,

And not say what words I meant to say?

My feeble justification

The fear of what I could not see

 

So here I stand ‘for you at last

Love and hope my meager cast

While still I shall not dare repent

They speak the words that I could not

[Merelas]

My favorite lines were the first two. An excellent ending, filling my mind with imagery of an old house dead to the world except this one person who is searching for this thing or person that they have lost. You continue the imagery and excellent vocab throughout the poem, for which I am most glad.

 

There are a few rhythm (spelling check!) issues that I had some trouble with, but I don't think they're so bad that they need to be altered. All in all, I liked it a lot!

[X-Sabre]

It's an overall decent poem, aside from the topic seeming to be about lost love. It flows quite nicely, and does fill the mind with very vivid images. Not much else I can say without a rant. And I already know how you just "love" my rants.

[Mira]

Thanks for the compliments Merelas, the images that you got from the poem are the images I was trying to create, so I'd have to say that this poem was successful. As for your comments X-Sabre, anything from you that isn't negative, I'll take as a complement.

[Alaeha]

Hmm... I'm not sure what the purpose of the almost-rhyme on the last line of each stanza is exactly. It detracts more for me than it adds... and the probably unintentional rhyme of sought in the second and not in the fourth seems out of place.

 

I like the poem. The first lines and the last stanza are remarkably well done, especially. The first line of the second stanza seems a bit rough in the rhythm though. And you could probably omit the "and" beginning the second line of stanza three, with little-no loss and a smoother rhythm.

 

A little rough around the edges, which is understandable for an experimental form, so I think it's quite well done.

[disizmrkent]

Alaeha had it right... the rhyme scheme just throws you off a bit as you read it. The creation of imagery through words is spectacular, and it's a very well-written poem... the only thing I would wonder is what the thinking behind the rhyming was, because it's odd as you read it... almost distracting. Other than that, a wonderful poem. We've all felt like that when we've lost someone we love....

[blain]

I like this also. Imagery is good. Flow is a rough in spots but otherwise good. Rhyme thing is a little odd, but not terrible. I particularly like the brain-rhyme of the last two lines where contracting the last line would make a rhyme.

 

Would suggest changing the line :

And not say what words I meant to say?

to read:

Not say the words I meant to say?

This way addresses Aleaha's point about "And" and makes it sound like the speaker actually had (and knows now) which words they wish they'd said. And I think it flows a little better, since "the" takes less rhythm space than "what".

 

I like the invocation of religious imagery as well -- you talk of repenting, sins, and atonement. This poem could be speaking to love lost, or it could be lamenting a lost relationship with God. Either way, the speaker is accepting that the loss is a result of their own choices. They built this house of shoddy material, and have lost what they intended to keep. And, although sorrowful, are not capable of fixing the problem even though it's clear there is a problem.

 

Good stuff.

Edited May 19, 2004 by blain