disizmrkent Posted May 10, 2004 Report Posted May 10, 2004 If I took my love, and hid it away, would you notice that it was gone? If I took my love, and gave yours back, would you care that we were done? Would you bat an eye, would you cry for me? Or would your tears be none would you even shed just one?
Gyrfalcon Posted May 11, 2004 Report Posted May 11, 2004 Overall, I liked this poem. It’s short, but it still draws on emotions of sorrow as it speaks of the growing gap between two people. I would suggest a few changes though: The third line seems a little disassociated from the first two, as he’s already ‘taken his love away’ there. Perhaps something like: “If I took your love, and gave it back” might fit better? In the final line, I’d change would to ‘won’t’. “won’t you even shed just one?” Again, I liked this poem, thank you for sharing it.
Katzaniel Posted May 11, 2004 Report Posted May 11, 2004 I know that Gyr is just making suggestions here... but I'd like to add my own suggestion: Keep it as it is. I like the repetition in the first and third lines. Perhaps I shouldn't offer advise when I think I lean too heavily on repetition myself, but it can be a powerful tool and I don't think you've overused it. I also like the last line better as is. If you changed it to "won't", it would come across as pleading. "Would" is just a question, and better fits the tone. Sorry, Gyr And thanks for sharing this, disizmrkent.
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