Mira Posted May 10, 2004 Report Posted May 10, 2004 A draft of this poem has already been posted in a less accessible part of the forum. I've decided to revise it and move it here so that more people may view it. For forty days and forty nights, I've wandered the deserts of my mind. Walking in circles, Chasing mirages, Thirsting for the enlightenment I seek. And I would have thought that the Sun would have killed me by now, So that the vultures could feast on my blighted corpse. But I’ve managed to survive, despite my myriad faults. A place lies before me, too good to be true. A place where I can be my self, And where no one looks upon me with scorn. I've stumbled upon this oasis. I've found my respite here.
Yui-chan Posted May 11, 2004 Report Posted May 11, 2004 Mira, There's no small amount of artistry in these words. They're evocative and yet subtly so, and though I can't claim to understand the work in the context of poetry, I can say that I love the -way- you've said what you've said, here. It's ... deceptively deep. Sorry, I'm not good at articulating my feelings on poems. My only critique comes from my strict sense of form when it comes to poetry, and you should take it as such - purely the first instinct of a rigid poet. I wish that the first and last stanzas mirrored each other a little bit more in terms of line length and syllable-count, as I feel that would really solidify the 'poetry' aspect of this piece. As it is, it simply looks like a strangely laid-out story piece to me... Still, it's really enjoyable. Thanks for sharing! Yours, ~Yui
Mira Posted May 12, 2004 Author Report Posted May 12, 2004 I want everone to know that I don't usually revise my work this much, as I feel that each piece is a reflection of a feeling or thought of a moment, and to revise it would introduce to many false images. This is an exception to that rule. For forty days and forty nights, I've roamed the deserts of my mind. Walking in circles, Chasing mirages, Thirsting for the enlightenment I seek. And I’ve dared the Sun to kill me a thousand times, So the vultures could gladly feast on my corpse. But I’ve managed to survive, though I stumble with each step. Suddenly before me it lies. An oasis of brilliant harmony Where I am myself, And my foes few. Lay me down here; at last I may breathe free.
Appy Posted May 12, 2004 Report Posted May 12, 2004 First off, I like the subject and how you tackled it.... original and hmm 'light' almost, not sure how to describe it.. like a fluffy, easy, lightheaded way of saying something deep.. Then, continueing a bit on what Yui said: As it is, it simply looks like a strangely laid-out story piece to me... About the revision, it almost seems to me to be a continuation of the first, original piece. Like a second chapter to a story. A deepening of the silence and how you walk that way to freedom. If you were me, I'd keep those two together. Overall, I really enjoyed reading this. You did an exellent job on something so profound as this subject.
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