Appy Posted April 13, 2004 Report Posted April 13, 2004 Why do you always do that? You always leave your socks on the floor! I love you.. And you never clean your plate or your coffeecup for that matter! I love you.. It's always me who ends up cleaning and wiping and washing! I love you.. I wish you would do more around the house.. *sigh* I love you... ..What? I love you.. Oh no… The way you always have that string of hair in front of your face blowing it away constantly while doing the dishes Oh no, don’t do that… and how you move and bend while picking up my socks I hate it when you do that.. The way you are always buzzing around the house, doing two or even three things at the same time stop being so sweet... stop it! while still making sure I get a hug… before leaving …for work I love you *sigh* I love you too.. 040407 ~ Leverkusen
Katzaniel Posted April 15, 2004 Report Posted April 15, 2004 I'm not sure what happened to the original version of this poem, Appy, but one thing bothered me about this different incarnation. I liked it better before when your italics followed the one speaker, even when the tone changed. This way it is slightly confusing and that detracts from the rest of it, which I really enjoyed.
Appy Posted April 15, 2004 Author Report Posted April 15, 2004 First off, thanks for commenting Zariah and Katz, I'm glad you like it Then.. uhm.. First post in Workshop And then look at this one... *points up*.. There is no change.. I kept it the way it was because it was working the way I wanted it to. You might understand my confusion about your comment there Katz Do you mean that you would've liked it better had I put the commenting italics directly under the stanza's, instead of putting empty lines around the italics? -Appy ~ did I make sense? ~
Katzaniel Posted April 15, 2004 Report Posted April 15, 2004 Oh. Um. Well, you made sense. I guess I didn't. I guess I understood it fine the first time, but somehow this time I had trouble with it. The way I remembered it, apparently improperly, was that the italics stayed with one speaker the whole time. The shift was then more in the reader's head than a literal shift in viewpoint. But given that it was never actually written that way, I can't really say what my muddled head was thinking. Maybe I thought the first time that it would be better that way and never mentioned it, then remembered wrong as a result, or maybe this time I was confused and the explanation my brain gave me was that it couldn't be my fault, you must have changed something. *shrug* Sorry. It worked fine the first time, it must still work, right?
Appy Posted April 15, 2004 Author Report Posted April 15, 2004 hey no worries I know all about confusing yourself and remembering things differently then they actually were, because you did or didn't do something... babble babble yadda yadda (protective babbling preventing more confusion .. I hope ) It's ok, really. *hugs*
Peredhil Posted April 15, 2004 Report Posted April 15, 2004 Well written, but... But it just sounds so *manipulative* to me - whether it's meant that way or not. The hair could be just as lovely as its bending over a book reading instead of dishes, as the other looks up and sees it from *their* position during *their* turn at the sink - after the meal they helped to eat. The movement and bend would be lovely just as well when picking up a frisbee while they played, instead of callously left socks. Doing two or three things at once isn't something to waste on only chores - it's a gift that extends to many areas of life - if allowed to grow. Guess I'm just funny that way.
Appy Posted April 15, 2004 Author Report Posted April 15, 2004 (edited) It was written with that in mind yes, in my opinion, humans are manipulative, even in love, or maybe even especially in love? I don't know.. I see your point and hope everybody will think like that one day... On the other hand, there's team-work in a relationship, and society and 'motherhood' happen to force most couples to live in this kind of uhm, mutual understanding.. see, the guy still most of the time is the one going out and making money, while the woman stays home and makes the house a place people can live in, plus takes care of kids most of the time, that time being when the guy is at work making money so they even can have kids and a house.... It is therefor in my opinion very valuable in this time of age, to have housework accepted as being WORK.. and not just something that comes with having kids... it's work people, we just don't get paid for it except in those little rewards of having a nice evening on the couch in a pretty environment instead of living like dogs on a waste-deposit...it's still icky and no fun... just like most of you think about boring bureau jobs and anything that you do "to keep the money flow in" (I envy those people with a job that they really truly enjoy and love.. I really do, and 99% of the world-population with me prolly ) ok now I'm ranting, don't take all this too serious and I'll glare in a meaningfull way at anyone trying to attack me on the rant above... it's opinions of the moment, I'm allowed to change that opinion at any point, and I am more then willing to listen to other peoples opinions about this subject, but let's keep that in private from here on.... seems like the best idea I had today Thanks for commenting Peredhil, and I'm glad you thought it well written PS: incindentally, that little rant is exactly behind the realisation of both persons in the poem, they both work on their environment and in that way on their relationship, in the only way that they know, the one they learned from either their parents or other kids parents when they were little... it's what's 'done' [RantMode = OFF] -Appy out Edited April 15, 2004 by Appy
Peredhil Posted April 15, 2004 Report Posted April 15, 2004 *nods* That was a rant? *hugs* heh. I was the youngest of five - my Mom worked hard at being home. She'd been a highly paid professional secretary at a movie studio before marrying my Dad. She always had the attitude that being at home was her job, and her pay was in hugs and love, consideration and respect. Not just verbally expressed, but through actions - like cleaning up after one's self, covering someone's chore when they had a down day, and such-like. But she was full of odd ideas like that - and my Dad was right there with her on them. They were partners in everything, and each one flawlessly supported the other. They made it look so easy, that when I got married, I had a *huge* shock in discovering that my parents weren't normal after all.
Beautiful Nightmare Posted April 16, 2004 Report Posted April 16, 2004 *smiles* i'm back!! Anyway i kinda got what pere got from it that like the guy saying he loves her he is only kinda saying it so she will stop nagging him and stuff! Okies i know that sounds very simple and stuff but i think i've lost all my big words *searchs under couch* eeeps no there gone, if anyone finds them you know were to find me! its a very good poem hun! love you lots! xxx
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