Appearances can be Deceptive

[DarkPainInside]

The boy sits in class, laughing with his friends, passing notes, flicking rubbers; This teacher has terrible class control, and the boys can see he is close to tears- this fuels their stupid antics. Who wants to learn geography anyway?

The bell rings and the class files out, paper balls and rubbers still flying around the room. The teacher looks relieved.

 

The boy charges down the corridor, and out into the yard, basketball in hand. Thump, thump, thump, against the warm concrete. He can hear his friends, yelling for the ball, he can see their smiling faces acknowledging him as the center of attention, as usual.

“They want the ball.” He thinks “that’s all; they don’t really like you, they just want what you have, then they will come for you, they will hurt you, kill you, they hate you, they are all acting, they hate you!” the boy’s mind goes into over drive. “they hate you, hate you! Hate! Hate! Hate!” hey drops the ball. His mind stops; the voices disappear. The boy’s friends yell for the ball again – how can he have drifted off so suddenly like that?! The boy picks up the orange ball and throws it. The game begins.

 

The boy is not stupid, he is not fooled by their pats on the back, their smiles, or the flirting girls; ‘they all hate him’ He knows that.

In classes he laughs with the boys, teases to the girls and gives the teacher hell. But it is all hollow. He means none of it; he knows they all hate him, and want to harm him. He means nothing to them, and they to him.

The boy smiles at the faces, but inside he is crying; nothing, always nothing. He will get them all one day, then they’ll be sorry. They all pretend to like him so much- he knows that.

His friends sit down next to him; he has changed lately- he doesn’t talk as much , and stares off into space often, as he is doing now. One of the boys punches him in the arm, as if to awaken him. The boy starts, and his friends laugh. ‘There was malice in that punch’ the boy notes. “why is he acting so weird?! His friends think “maybe he broke up with that girl…what’s-her-name, with the blonde hair. Or he’s on drugs….” His friends push their thoughts to one side and continue shooting spitballs across the room.

The boy looks happy, as he walks home, with his trademark bounce in his step. But his mind is elsewhere; everyone hates him. Everyone. He cant escape their smiles, their lies that cover for their anger and hatred towards him,

The key slides into the door, and he walks into the house, smiles at him mother and dumps his bag in the living room. He heads for his room; dark and cold; like the gun in his pocket.

The boy closes the door, once in his room, and silences the voices in his mind.

 

[Yui-chan]

This is an interesting glimpse at a pretty twisted logic process, DPI. You certainly managed to give it a slightly eerie edge and portray some of the frantic insanity he was hiding. I'd have liked to get more information on just why the boy thought that way and what might have happened to him to lead him down that road. If you ever want to expand this, adding that kind of information could be a way to go.

 

Also, I might suggest that you take an editorial eye to the grammar and punctuation, especially around the dialogue. They could use a little work.

 

Still, it's a good piece of writing. Thanks for sharing it with us.

 

Yours,

~Yui

[Oldfox]

Nice writing!

 

I like the theme. It's original. Specially love the ending where you elegantly give the ending "between the lines". Smart move to use the "outsider" as your protaganist.

 

I would maybe rely a little less on the narrator and tell more thrugh his actions, the part with the basketball game is really nice. Maybe use it more?

 

Well done. Keep it up!

 

 

The Oldfox

[BlackCagedHeart]

I thought it was neat. You write stories like I do. Same type of plot too. ^-^ Yay. Morbidity fuels what might as well be a dull plain world. Keep it up. Drop me a line sometime.

 

 

BlackCagedHeart