~Guilt~

[Guest Morbid Angel]

He blames me for her death,

I blame myself too.

He doesn't have to bring her up,

For me to know it's true.

 

He doesn't have to use her against me,

As I know it's my fault she's gone.

If I hadn't been so selfish,

I wouldn't be alone at dawn.

 

If I wasn't such a bitch,

Then she'd be here with me.

If i'd paid more attention,

Then she'd be here, you'd see.

 

If I hadn't have been trying to be what I wasn't,

She would not have died.

My mother would still be here with me,

Or atleast we'd have more time to bide.

 

Morbid Angel

[Ayshela]

There are a couple of lines here which seem forced for the sake of rhyme:

 

I wouldn't be alone at dawn.

and

Or atleast we'd have more time to bide.

which are most significant in that they detract from an otherwise well written piece.

 

This is difficult emotional ground to tread, much less to write about. The rhythm is a bit ragged, but that fits well with the content and doesn't seem out of place at all in reading through. The only places i'd really take issue with your form is, again, those forced rhymes. Content - you've done an excellent job of pulling aside the curtain and allowing us a peek at the jagged edges of raw, bitter pain. i'd guess you've gotten a lack of response more because of the "ouch" factor than because the presentation is displeasing. =)

 

Just - do please bear in mind - it's not true.