Lashienne Andvari Posted March 29, 2004 Report Posted March 29, 2004 this pernicious game that we are playing a russian roulette of sorts the revolver is pressed to my temple and my eyes are watering as I spin the cylinder you smile and turn away one chance to miss the bullet one chance to catch it a chance to live a chance to die I pull the trigger... my lifeless body is on the floor an empty shell of what used to be hopefully I'll leave a vermillion stain on the carpet because I failed at staining your heart..
Peredhil Posted March 29, 2004 Report Posted March 29, 2004 Yeah, it's always the wrong people who suffer at a suicide. You might do a search on the word - suicide and responses to it seem popular. The poem deals with the drama of the topic well. Hugs Peredhil
Wyvern Posted April 1, 2004 Report Posted April 1, 2004 I think that this is a really excellent poem, Lashienne Andvari. The approach you take to love through a game of russian roulette is very original and intriguing, and the imagery you use throughout the poem is very evocative. I also really like the transition from the first stanza to the second, as it leaves out the actual firing of the bullet in order to focus on the more essential details of the piece. Having said this, I think that the poem has one flaw that completely drags it down from it's awesome potential: the last line of the poem. The poem reads as very fresh and original to me up until this final line, which seems cliched and out of place in the context of the rest of the poem. I think that if you could improve the ending of the piece somehow, it could be much more powerful. Good stuff.
Regel Posted April 2, 2004 Report Posted April 2, 2004 The ending is not mine to play with but, my lifeless body is on the floor an empty shell of what used to be hopefully I'll leave a vermillion stain on the carpet because I failed at staining your heart.. could easily become my lifeless body is on the floor an empty shell of what used to be. I took my chances at love and lost. I'll leave a vermillion stain on your carpet if not your heart.
purple_shadows Posted April 2, 2004 Report Posted April 2, 2004 Or it could be "For I've never reached your heart." or "the closest I'll get to your heart"
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