Alone

[Cyril Darkcloud]

The original piece can be found here

 

I’ll echo the comments others have made about the quality and vigor of this short piece. However, I’ll also diverge from those viewpoints a bit in that I don’t think it is quite as effective as it could be, in no small measure due to the weakness of the final line.

 

Still, however, this is a weakness only because the rest of the work is so strong. As such, it is well-worth a few moments to look at its strong points:

 

1. The imperative structure of the first sentence is a fine touch and the source of much of the energy of the work as the imperative tone is sustained throughout. The implied ‘You’ of the imperative is thus consistently placed before the reader. It creates a sense of identification between the reader and the unseen and unnamed object of these statements – the ‘small one’ of the first line. One natural way of reading this work is as a conversation between a parent and a child – although this is something the reader has to decide for himself as the poem does not directly state this. This ambiguity works very well as the natural way of imagining a conversation between a parent and child is to picture it in terms of physical and emotional immediacy – something the poem challenges at its conclusion.

 

2. The imperative followed by the naming of the addressee as ‘small one’ in the first line is neatly balanced and strengthened by the double imperatives of the second stanza:

Run swiftly – be careful!

Don’t stumble; don’t fall.

 

This doubling provides a sharpening of the tone of insistent concern sounded in stanza 1, the brief verb-dominated clauses hammering home this point.

 

3. The overall thrust of many of the mages in the poem is that of external actions – running, stumbling, etc. This makes the 2 lines which conclude the first stanza all the more effective for the hiding of the heart bespeaks a concern for more than external harm. Still, the strong language of the other lines mutes this at first until the conclusion of the piece at which point these earlier words take on a greater importance – this is a truly fine touch. The inversion of normal word order in the final line of stanza one, something that usually signals weak writing, works very well with both the rhythm and the style of the piece, evoking the manner in which children’s books are often written. Again, a fine touch.

 

4. The real payoff of the piece, however, is in its concluding lines as these suddenly reshape everything that has been read previously. As such, these lines need to be at least as effective, if not moreso, than the others. The statement of motive in line 3 of stanza 2 is a fine and well-placed echo and expansion upon the final line of the first stanza, again focusing attention upon the inward state of the addressee rather than on external actions. The sudden statement of absence immediately destroys the intimate scene the poem encourages the reader to construct. It also raises a number of powerful and provocative questions:

 

Just who has been speaking?

Is this a wounded adult reflecting bitterly on being wounded while vulnerable?

Is this one person speaking to another about the loneliness of the world?

Is this a concerned person speaking to himself about a loved one at a distance whom he is afraid is about to be hurt?

 

Once more ambiguity such as this which puts the reader to work is a genuine strength and the plurality of possibilities here gives rise to an interpretive richness many longer pieces of writing lack.

 

___________________________________

 

 

All of that being said, for this reader, at least, the final lines are a bit weak. That weakness is two-fold. Its words are simply not as strong as the bold action verbs of the previous lines and it loses the tightly constructed rhythm of the piece in a way that distracts the reader. Normally I am a big proponent of broken rhythm at a decisive point in a piece. Here, however, the loss of the rhythmic strength of the poem seems to be neither intentional - the rhyme scheme is preserved will the rhyming ‘all’ of the final word – nor well-executed. Similarly the italicized ‘know’ of the 3rd line of stanza 2 is an unnecessary and ineffective way of emphasizing an idea – if the words and ideas are suitably strong, their author should be able to avoid tricks of typesetting to highlight their importance.

 

One way of reworking the final lines may be to carry over into them the doubling effect of the imperatives immediately prior to them:

 

This way you won’t know

there’s no one there for you

no one at all.

 

Note: Small changes can have a large effect on a work so short as this and so I propose the above remarks cautiously and only give an example of a suggested revision as an attempt to enhance the piece and not to re-write in my own style.

 

Ayshela, this is a wonderful and stimulating read! Thanks for sharing it.

Edited March 24, 2004 by Cyril Darkcloud

[Ayshela]

Cyril - THANK you!

it will be a few days before i have a few moments to sit down with this one again, currently being preoccupied with taking a large stick and beating life into submission..

 

you raise good points, as always, which i greatly appreciate. i hope to have a revision to post soon.

[Ayshela]

intermediate draft, jotting it down while the thought is there:

 

Alone

 

Hold tightly, small one,

your hands to your side.

Or wrap around tightly,

your warm heart to hide.

 

Run swiftly - be careful!

Don't stumble, don't fall.

Don't let yourself see

you're alone, after all.

[Ayshela]

Alone

 

Hold tightly, small one,

your hands to your side.

Or wrap around tightly,

your warm heart to hide.

 

Run swiftly - be careful!

Don't stumble, don't fall.

Don't ever confirm

you're alone, after all.

[Merelas]

I like it... I like it a lot.

 

It's sad... and yet intriguing at the same time, because the speaker is watching and attempting to protect the "little one", with his/her advice.

 

So if you think about it... the little one really isn't alone, are they?

 

Just some thoughts.

 

-Mere