Need Perspectives

[Zariah]

This is Katy speaking IRL

 

I'm trying to break some life habits or views....attempting to open myself up to recognize myself introspectively, to recognize others behavior, my own, and communication and how I can effectively form relationships with people. I am aiming to be comfortable being uncomfortable, going beyond my comfort zone and expanding boundaries. It's all really easy to "try" or say that this is what I want, but HOW do I do that? I understand that two ways are reflection of experiences and exploring the reasons behind my thoughts, feelings, and actions. It's hard to get started enough to see my behavior the way others can. I can recognize somethings, but when others point what the issues are and examples of where they were recognized, I can understand better. The other thing is I have specific issues that I'd appreciate some "tips for tackling" on.

 

~I'm reading a book on self-esteem. It's not really helping me though. It gives me a recognition of "the inner pesimist" versus the "moral conscious" stuff...but I guess I am searching for some actual "Building up" exercizes. Perhaps I am going about this the wrong way. <------ which would be why I would need other perspectives.

 

~I push people away (or they are repellent) to me because my insecurities encourage me to constantly seek reassurrance from everyone EVERY time I contact them. This could be mixed with a lack of trust issue? But I think it really carries over from the constant rejection I experienced in elementary school. I never fit in. No one ever liked me for who I was. I guess it's both that I seek acceptance from those who don't accept me AND when someone does accept me, I want to make sure they never change their mind because I FINALLY have what I seek and I fear losing that. Not only do I "act out" to seek approval, but I manipulate (not intentionally) other people to feel guilty or sorry for me so they will reassure me that I am okay. It's a complex of things.....I hate this behavior and also the emotional stress I am always under. I also hate the impact it has on other people.

 

~I'm considered rigid. I never really thought I was until one day in theater class, my teacher told me that I was too serious and intense about everything. She asked me when the last time I had fun was. I have never had "fun" as defined in the dictionary. I've had a "nice time", "pleasant time", okay time, but never Adrenaline rushing whopping good times of enjoyment. What's up with that? I don;t even know where to begin on addressing that....

 

~I lack tact. I guess in my opinion, I never found this to be a problem in the sense that I am secure talking about whatever it is that I bring up....topics such as sex or topics that the general public avoid. I am also called "An open book", where I tell all of my self to people before they "know me well"....the ONLY problem I find with that is that I hurt more when I am rejected because I shared myself with another who didn't really care at all.

 

~ While at times, I can be a rational person with great advice when others seek my council, I am for the majority a very emotional person. I have had this problem my entire conscious life. It has improved with time and experience. However, I become especially sensative and vunerable when I am adapting to changes. This would be right now.....so while I can recognize that my stability is off kilter, I still have all these negative feelings of fear, lonliness, self doubt, ander, confussion...etc. and unfortunately, I as an open book literally DRAIN anyone I talk to because I am an emotional basketcase seeking most likely acceptance....and I'm oober vunerable and unsatisfied with probably anything....it's a really unhealthy cycle. I recognize small portions of this and temporarily address aspcts, but I can;t figure out what to do about the entire problem as a whole.

 

For example: I now make the assumption (perhaps incorrectly) that whoever chose to read this is feeling a bit if not a lot drained by all of this heavy stuff. And then NORMALLY, this would be where I would appologize for being an inconvenience...however, I recognize that I shouldn't have to feel sorry b/c the readers are choosing to read this. And also, I need to realize that I am not a "burden" to the Pen members....so, that's some of what I am confused about. If anyone can think of something to say to help me out with clarrification, direction, explaination, or ideas of what I can do for myself, that'd be great.

 

Thank you in advance.

~Katy

[Appy]

*hugs*

 

I have put my words through private message, since it's a delicate subject for me, plus I didn't want to flood the board with a huge post

 

What I'll say here is this:

 

Realisation is the MasterKey.

 

Regarding that, and reading your post, my personal conclusion is that you're on the right way hun. Don't give up

 

*hugs again*

Edited March 23, 2004 by Appy

[Katzaniel]

A lot of that I cannot really help with, however the part about being self confidence really hit home. I can share some words of wisdom there. Whether they work as well for you as for me, time can only tell, but I am no longer so shy I can't look people in the eye, or make a presentation to a group of people I ought to be comfortable with.

 

Perhaps I am also making a mistake equating low self confidence with shyness, but to me they are interweaved.

 

Anyway, the thing I found through hard continuous effort was that the more you try to look confident, the more you feel confident. For example, in making a presentation to a group, if you can really press yourself (I truly understand how hard this might be for you), you should look around the room while you talk, stand straight, and avoid looking at your paper. (Although probably not all the very next time, you can work up to this). To assist in not reading off your paper, you could write only jot notes to remind you of the larger points you wanted to make. If your mind is likely to blank on you this will be more difficult, but if you begin to do this more, your mind is less likely to blank. Anyway, in doing this you appear confident, and if you do this enough, you begin to feel it, too. When you're talking to friends, teachers, even other students you don't know well, work on the ability to look them in the eye. It won't come quickly, but some day you may get it to the point where you can walk down a hallway and look strangers in the eye, smiling and nodding as you pass. You project an entirely different image from the person who hurries by hunched over their books - and you feel much better about yourself, too.

 

 

You are insecure. I am, too. When strangers pass you in the hall and you hear them laugh a moment later, you think they're laughing at you, right? It's hard not to wonder sometimes, but if you look at it from another angle, it's really an arrogant thought that these people who don't know you at all would both forget about whatever they were talking about in order to share a laugh about you. Maybe I'm wrong and you don't think that, but I was that way for a long time, and the thought still crosses my mind when it happens.

 

I'm not sure what to say about needing constant reassurrance from friends. You already understand that that's a problem, and like Appy already said, that's the main thing. Maybe it would help to think about it this way: If they didn't like you, they wouldn't hang out with you. Especially someone who is constantly needing that assurance; this is a lot of work for your friends and unless they really like your other attributes, they wouldn't put in this effort. So you must know that your friends do like you. They do. Those that have stayed with you through this are the truly worthwhile ones, and they like you back.

 

Try to forget about the people in elementary school who rejected you. They always pick someone, and they usually pick them for low confidence. If you had higher confidence before they picked on you, then realize that they pick on everyone a little bit, it's a sort of initiation process, and that you weren't singled out as being different until you couldn't deal with their insults. At least, thinking back on my own experiences, I have come to realize that this was the case. And people that need someone to pick on are not worth hanging out with, or worth your wanting them to like you. If you can just forget about them and concentrate on the people worth your attention, you will probably be happier.

 

One last note, since at this point your experiences diverge from my own: Fun does not equal adrenaline. I don't care what the dictionary says, Fun is enjoying yourself in whatever manner you do that. Go outside in the sun, close your eyes, smile and take a deep breath. Sometimes, all you need to do to have fun is stop for a moment and forget about the "daily grind". If you can do that often then you are enjoying life more than the people who wait and wait for vacation days so that they can go skydiving for a week, or some silly thing. They hate the days in between and that's ridiculous. Instead, enjoy the days you have, even the ones where you're working, because you can see the people that you love, or because the sun is shining, or because the snow on the ground is glittering prettily, or because you have a chance to stop and write for a while today. Any old excuse you have to enjoy TODAY is a good excuse. You don't need an adrenaline rush.

 

 

Even though the likelihood that all of this will apply to your situation is pretty slim, I hope that at least some of it sounds familiar and will help you deal with your own problems. Most of all, remember that recognizing the problem and wanting to deal with it are the first and most importand steps. The rest may come slowly, but if you don't expect your problems to right themselves in a day or a week, if you're willing to pick away at them like a marble statue and shape them to how you need them to be, then it will all be all right, and soon enough that you can enjoy the difference.

[Ozymandias]

Katzaniel put much of what I would've said eloquently already, so I'll just say this:

It's easier said thna done, true, but just remembering that other people's opinion of you only bother you as much as you let it.

 

To wit:

This past Saturday morning, I was feeling pretty badly about myself. Lazy, faithless, egotisitical, were a few of the not unrealistic adjectives I was giving to myself...again.

 

So, knowing (logically) that it really wasn't as bad as all that, but still feeling about one inch tall, I decided to deal with it the same way an old friend of mine did one sunny, depressing day years ago.

 

I put on a clown nose and went to work.

 

Sure, there were those who mocked me. But as it turned out, even in a retail store, and on one trip to the bank, and one into the mall, they were still outnumbered. All that morning and afternoon: Made two young mother laugh and try to get their babies to laugh with them, three of my favorite tellers at the bank laughed, six teenage guys standing next to the enterance of the mall went dead silent as I passed right until I was walking through the door (then they started making some joke or another), one lady laughed with me politely liek she thought I was crazy, one just stared at me like I was crazy, and (my favorite!) one old gentleman wished me a happy new year. Not sure how to respond, I went with a smile and a "Thank you."

After that he explained that day was the beginning of the Iranian and Indian new years. So, I told him no, I didn't know that, but I was gald he told me, and thanked him again (yes, and remembered to wish him a happy new year too. )

 

The mocking didn't hurt much, if it did at all, because I got to make all of those other people happy. It felt really good.

 

As one of the bank tellers put it when I told him about the ladies I'd scared, he kind of snorted and said, "Oh, pay no attention to them. Some people just don't get it."

 

The only downer was the nose really pinched my real one, so I had to take it off before evening hit.

 

Signed,

~Yet another recovering hider-in-the-corner when there's people about~

[Yui-chan]

Isn't it wonderful how thin the line is between wisdom and crazyness? What a great plan, Ozy-san. I'm glad it helped you.

 

Katy, I wish I had something wise to tell you, some great advice to give you that would change all the shortcomings you see in yourself in the blink of an eye. However, I don't, and I couldn't even venture a guess as I'm at least as imperfect as anyone you could name.

 

Sometimes, I think accepting the parts of you that you regret is the more difficult and meaningful task than obsessing over changing them. Sometimes, I suspect that it's the prerequisite for freeing yourself up emotionally enough that you -can- change and grow towards becoming the person you want to be. Know what you view as your shortcomings. Acknowledge them and work at understanding - not so much what caused them in the past, but the thoughts and feelings, the underlying emotions and insecurities that sustain them today. Trace the pattern of what's inside you and map it completely before you worry too much about trying to force it all to change.

 

It looks to me like you've already started, so I suspect you should just carry that forward. Take it beyond 'I guess this is why...' and think about what makes you you until you can say 'I know this is why...'

 

In my profession, you have to know all the details of a system before you can change it. Maybe it applies to the more complex system of you, too.

 

Best of luck,

~Yui

[Zariah]

Thank you Yui, Ozy, Appy and Katzaniel....all of you have helped. I believe too, that I am on the right path. Happiness is not just a feeling, but a journey. So perhaps this life journey will enrich me to overflow with happiness.

Having members such as you as well as most here at The Pen help keep that hope alive.

 

Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.....I shall begin to write again..... (overcoming )

~Katy :pen:

[lumpenproletariat]

but just remembering that other people's opinion of you only bother you as much as you let it.

I think this is one of the most important points in the thread....it's one I need to remember too