SamaraMorgan Posted March 14, 2004 Report Posted March 14, 2004 Alone I've never felt so cold inside Never felt so alone; Until that day you left me. You didn't say a word Just up and left, was gone. I guess I'll never see you again. Alone now, I'm alone. Yet, I still see your face Smiling down on me ever so gently. Your light eyes dancing in my mind. Your fingertips with mine. The warmth of your soul though your face is so pale, I miss you with all my heart. Dearest, dark, prince of mine.. why have you left me? Do you still love me? You left me And I'm alone.
Peredhil Posted March 14, 2004 Report Posted March 14, 2004 Good poem, 'specially for a first! wishes he'd done so well, but he recalls one of his first poems being about pizza. Free verse and nice use of formatting to give emphasis - I like the occasional "almost" rhyme (mind-mine), and visual rhyme that isn't (alone - gone), for me, it heightens the feeling of dischord and disruption his leaving has caused. As if the speaker is trying to maturely go on, but the secret pain inside constantly disrupts her thoughts. I think in Yet, I still see your faceI might've said,Yet still I see your face, Just to get rid of the comma and ease flow (I like to slide into each verse and then bobble around. ) hugs and scoots away to start his day.
SamaraMorgan Posted March 14, 2004 Author Report Posted March 14, 2004 lol. well thank you for the tip! Glad you liked it.
Appy Posted March 15, 2004 Report Posted March 15, 2004 (edited) Very neat this.. it brings feelings, so that's a very big plus And I was going to suggest the same as Peredhil.. had it all written out too... good thing I decided to read the comment before posting But yes, I read that sentence automatically in the way Peredhil suggested putting it, just sharing that thought Welcom to these boards, and again, very neat poem *hugs* Edited March 15, 2004 by Appy
SamaraMorgan Posted March 15, 2004 Author Report Posted March 15, 2004 Hehe aww, I got a hug! *hugs back* Thank you.
BlackCagedHeart Posted March 16, 2004 Report Posted March 16, 2004 I like it. I congratulate your successes on such a neat first poem. Good job, and I was just wondering who is the female in the picture? It sparked my interest.... BlackCagedHeart
Guest Morbid Angel Posted March 17, 2004 Report Posted March 17, 2004 WOW! that was awesome for your first! I really liked it! COngrats. look forward to reading more of your work! Morbid Angel
Matteo Posted March 18, 2004 Report Posted March 18, 2004 As far as I'm concerned, emotion and intent are the most important aspects of poetry; you've captured both very well. Nice job on your primus poematis!
Merelas Posted March 18, 2004 Report Posted March 18, 2004 I think this is beautiful-- I wouldn't have believed that it was your first poem if you hadn't said anything. Extremely well done-- I hope you continue your carreer as a poet. By the way... I tend to politely disagree with Peredhil and Appy. I like the commas. However, any advice I give should be taken with a grain of salt, because I overly use seperating devices such as dotdotdots, dashes, semicolons, commas, hyphens, and others. So... I might not be the best person to give advice, but I liked it the way it was Well done!
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