Wyvern Posted February 29, 2004 Report Posted February 29, 2004 The moisture of Summer air dazes my senses as I stand, oblivious to sliding doors and monotone speaker drones, motionless in the tranquility of bustling tourists and the light comfort of familiarity. “Thank you.” My words come stifled, choked by repitition, my throat parched for another ‘today,’ for another fragile moment with her. My stomach knots as I move a step closer and my eyes fumble clumsily, tripping over her face and connecting with her eyes, locking in place for what might have been a thousand Summers. They seem to overstay their welcome, awkwardly trapped there, though like the passing days of company, never lasting long enough. Reaching beyond color and hue with that concentrated stare, or perhaps avoiding the commitment of fully seeing. Her smile then breaks the trance. Quaint. A light, almost unnoticable curvature across her right cheek. That ambivalent smile could be read like a textbook in history class, when the in-crowd jeers as soon as the teacher turns his head. The grin that crosses a classmates face when the invitations to his party specify that the best part of the occasion is that you won’t be there. But if naturally provoked, that smile could be a sign of caring, a gentle reminder of love and appreciation, a simple, warm-hearted gesture that faintly whispers “Till we meet again.” Note: poem is still a little rough around the edges, and I'm uncertain if that last stanza works as a conclusion... may revisit it...
Sorciere Posted March 1, 2004 Report Posted March 1, 2004 *reserved for a comment when my head is working properly*
Yuki Kokoro Posted March 1, 2004 Report Posted March 1, 2004 Ditto One pre-comment however: "and my eyes fumble clumsily, tripping over her face and connecting with her eyes" Really cool lines, I liked the personification and it illustrates the idea well.
Appy Posted March 1, 2004 Report Posted March 1, 2004 Hmm... I can see how you would say this needs work still... but I don't know how to help on that one (since this is such a good job already..) I'll just comment on this here okay? Fully agreed with Yuki on those lines, especially since they are followed by: They seem to overstay their welcome, awkwardly trapped there, though like the passing days of company, never lasting long enough. Reaching beyond color and hue with that concentrated stare, or perhaps avoiding the commitment of fully seeing. My favorite passage, very vivid... uhm.... well it's not really imaginary is it... I mean that I can see how it would feel like that for many people. Brilliant thinking on this for sure. .... Oh, I just saw the reference to 'love-makes-blind' in the last sentence there... pleasant surprise I see I'm going to have to read this more often (in case there's more of those surprises ) and I look forward to your revisions, as I'm sure that they'll come. Already a neat job for sure, the one thing that keeps popping into my mind is the word 'movie-like'... I guess that is because of the vividness (is that a word?) *nod* Well-done
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