Solivagus Posted February 25, 2004 Report Posted February 25, 2004 (edited) Give me your trust said the god most high, For on my shoulders I support the sky. Trust me to know and to do what is best, And I will take care of the rest. But trust is the sight of a dark seed growing, Trust is the sight of heart’s blood flowing. Trust is the sight of a soul's last breath, Trust is the sight of death. Give me your trust said the queen on her throne, For I must bear the burden all alone. Trust me to lead and to judge and to rule, And no man will think you a fool. But trust is the sound of a grave-dog’s bark, Trust is the sound of betrayal in the dark. Trust is the sound of a soul's last breath, Trust is the sound of death. Give me your trust said the judge in his chair, The burden of punishment is mine alone to bear. Trust me to follow the words of the law, And I’ll see that justice will score. But trust is the taste of old meat rotting, Trust is the taste of foul blood clotting. Trust is the taste of a soul's last breath, Trust is the taste of death. Give me your trust said the mother to her child, For despite my yells my temper is mild. Trust me to help you live your life, And you’ll never find any strife. But trust is the smell of a newly opened grave, Trust is the smell of a hostage late to save, Trust is the smell of a soul's last breath, Trust is the smell of death. Give me your trust said the preacher to the crowd, For I’ll spread your words and cry them loud. Trust me now to lead your worthy cause, And you’ll have no reason to pause. But trust is the feel of darkening years, Trust is the feel of falling tears. Trust is the feel of a soul's last breath, Trust is the feel of death. Edited February 26, 2004 by Solivagus
Ayshela Posted February 26, 2004 Report Posted February 26, 2004 wow. nothing really to say here but that i found myself reading and nodding and thinking "i honestly never thought i'd ever see anyone else say any of that." wonderfully done. one thing which caught my eye all the way through - shouldn't "souls" be possessive - soul's? absolutely wonderful, may i snag a copy, please?
Solivagus Posted February 26, 2004 Author Report Posted February 26, 2004 Yes, it should have been. Thanks for pointing it out
Canid Posted February 26, 2004 Report Posted February 26, 2004 Your poem has a nice sound to it, and I certainly like the "give me trust" verses, but I don't think the tie-ins to the five senses work. Why would trust be the taste of rotting meat? How is it the sound of a grave dog's bark? There is no clear reason why it would be. You do need the stated negative paragraphs there, and you might be able to tie in the five senses too, but the links between trust and element-X have to be obvious. The betrayal comparison for example worked, as trust can clealy be betrayed. But many of the others seemed lacking. I particularly liked the Queen on her throne verse... to me (and I know this is just personal because of associations particular to me) it had a less ominous ring to it than the others, more of a simple truth. Overall well done. ...and on the off chance that you agree with what I said about the sense verses, I'd love to see an edited version.
Solivagus Posted February 27, 2004 Author Report Posted February 27, 2004 The things I used, such as the grave-dogs bark and rotting meat, were placed there to try and show how truly unpleasant and revolting trust is. I'll definatly re-write this a second time however, as soon as work stops giving me over time
Ayshela Posted February 27, 2004 Report Posted February 27, 2004 enh.. worked for me, but hey.. *shrug* =)
Parmenion Posted February 27, 2004 Report Posted February 27, 2004 Fantastic!! I did note the whole "trust is rotting meat" and "grave dog barking" as being the author's complete and utter disdain for what he perceived trust to be. I think that the insinuations in the alternate stanzas such as the one with the shouting mother, ruling judge etc.. are exceptionally well done. The tone of the entire poem allows that when reading those stanzas you know that these people are completely "untrustworthy" from the author's perspective anyway. In places the flow was mildly interrupted such as Trust is the smell of a hostage late to save but I understand that putting "too late to save" throws off the rhyme and so I was happy enough just reading through it. Great work sir, keep them coming
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