Jade Posted February 21, 2004 Report Posted February 21, 2004 It is dark and slightly rainy which makes no difference so I can't see the lines and it's bright from the lights and the reflections poignantly showing my mistake in driving so late from the mall when I was tired even though I was ecstatic from my three dollar purchase of a sweater I may or may not ever wear. I was distracted by the sweater and the music and my friend in the seat next to me and the light was red and the light was green and maybe we were on 35th maybe it was 42nd really what does it matter the light was red and then it was green and I was turning left which would normally be okay but I forgot to yield and there was a car a screaming car hurtling at me speeding faster and faster swerving but not honking and I would not have heard it anyway and I am with a friend that I love more than anyone in the world and she is exposed to this 3 tons of metal speeding, driving towards her and it does not stop and there is a scream or a shout or maybe my name is said but something changes and I brake. break.
Valdar and Astralis Posted February 22, 2004 Report Posted February 22, 2004 *blink*blink*gasp*whew* That's a _very_ big mouthful to get around. It's a very fine vignette, to be sure, especially towards the last bit. Only suggestion for next time, though: Use a few more sentances. The whole thing's over in 2 sentances, 3 if you count Break. It's handy for dramatic writing, but pull it too long, and you, or your audience may lose concentration. I'm guilty of this as well, my sentances tend to ramble on with commas and 'and's-Every now and again, I'll need to stop and force myself to end a sentance. Otherwise, evocative piece ps: Oh, would you mind please clarifying your use of "poignantly" please? You use it to define clarity? obviousness?
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