disizmrkent Posted February 19, 2004 Report Posted February 19, 2004 The depths of shadows swell like an ocean I sense my own movement, but nothing's in motion I try to say something, but I'm too humbled to speak I'm more scared than ever, I feel feeble and week I feel stepped on and in pain I feel small and meek. I look over the horizon, looking to the end I only wish I were there with you, my dying friend I now you're weak, I know it's hard But I'll see you there, when it gets dark I'll hold your hand through it all and play the friend's part.
Quincunx Posted February 20, 2004 Report Posted February 20, 2004 Incidental note: On all poems, you make very good use of the subtitle space. The poem rocks even without the implication of the ocean in the first line (which I managed to miss on the first reading), and the broken rhythm of line five adds to that line. . .all except for the last line, with odd rhythm and imperfect rhyme. Only one of those needs to be changed but I haven't an idea how to do it, at the moment. Tweak "week" to "weak" in line four and "now" to "know" in line nine. Change nothing else in the poem!
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