Appy Posted February 18, 2004 Report Posted February 18, 2004 (edited) Don't know what I'm doing here in this lifetime if only to research emotional pain distressing lifestyle while knowing; not belonging in this time of age Sometimes it's not only life that, which is not fair sometimes it's the choices we make; with no one to blame but destiny forced upon us by unknown forces living in the light loving the dark.. ~ didn't revise much, hit me with all you got ~ Edited February 19, 2004 by Appy
Falcon2001 Posted February 18, 2004 Report Posted February 18, 2004 I like the semi-schema you have here, while maintaining the freedom of a freewrite. The word Distressing could almost be discussing though, that's one thing I noticed
purple_shadows Posted February 19, 2004 Report Posted February 19, 2004 I liked it. I mean I really liked it. I'm not sure what specifically, but it definately stirred an emotion in me that I haven't felt for a long time, but is very close to my heart. thank you, and keep up with the good work, i love your writting! *hugs*
Appy Posted February 19, 2004 Author Report Posted February 19, 2004 Thank you for such high praise purple shadows! *hugs* Falcon: Thanks too for your praise. And on your remark: I definatly mean 'distressing lifestyle' but I see your point.. just that it changes the core of the poem I'll edit out the Somtimes and turn it into Sometimes, I'm sure I have a spare e around here somewhere And you know what's funny? Reading it again today makes me realise that I capitalized only every other stanza.... unconsiously. Makes me wonder if there is such a thing as 'unconsious conditioning of order'
Appy Posted February 19, 2004 Author Report Posted February 19, 2004 (edited) ~ Had the state-of-mind to revise a bit, my rythm and punctuation change often after re-reading things... comments and comparing the two versions are Very much appreciated. ~ Don't know what I'm doing here in this lifetime; if only to research emotional pain distressing lifestyle while knowing that I don't belong in this time of age Sometimes it is not only life that, which is not fair sometimes it's about the choices we make; with nothing else to blame but destiny forced upon us by unknown powers living in the light loving the dark.. Edited February 19, 2004 by Appy
Beautiful Nightmare Posted February 23, 2004 Report Posted February 23, 2004 *nods and hugs* great poem hun!!!!!!!!! i really love this poem it just ..... i can relate!
Parmenion Posted February 28, 2004 Report Posted February 28, 2004 If life is just a mission, To research all the pains, To beat us to submission, with no real worthy gains... Which other time would suit? Whose fault to cast your blame? This one bears no fruit? This one just seems lame? If our choices are the reasons why sometimes we feel life is not working out for us then how is it so that we can also think in the same breadth that destiny is being forced upon us. Either we are subject to the whims or fate or we are not In relation to the title itself I hope I do not seem like I am spamming if I quote George Carlin: "The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less; we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgement, more experts, yet more problems. We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom. We have manipulated our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom. We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life NOT life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbour. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. These are the times of fast food and slow digestion. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses but broken homes. Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again. Life is not measured by the number of breadths we take, but by the moments that take our breadth away." I think he may sum up what you were trying to get at, unsure. But he certainly sums up my philosophy and response to your poem kekeke. To conclude; we may not have been born in the most exciting of times, not one in which the communal spirit of humanity is at its strongest, but we were born in this time and there ain't no changing it so we may aswell make the most of it *hugs*
Yuki Kokoro Posted March 1, 2004 Report Posted March 1, 2004 In general, nice job with the revision, it's always cool to see someone put the time and effort into reworking something. The punctuation helped and good catch changing: "but destiny forced upon us/ by unknown forces" to: "but destiny forced upon us/ by unknown powers". It reads better without the repetition of "force". I also liked your revision of this sentence: "while knowing/ that I don't belong/ in this time of age". I liked the conversational style of this phrase more than: "not belonging in this/ time of age". I prefer it because it sounds more personal. I also liked the ending: "Living in the light, loving the dark...", it just appealed to me. Good job.
Appy Posted March 1, 2004 Author Report Posted March 1, 2004 Thank you Yuki And I can't believe I hadn't caught those two 'forces' in the first read... I'm deeply ashamed (I dislike repetition without an obvious purpose) Parm... uhm, I need coffee before replying to you, but you already know I appreciate, so that's alright then, right? *hugs all* thank you for taking the time and reply here.
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