A Walk

[Discordia]

Criticism encouraged!

 

.oOo.

 

I went for a walk in the whispering woods,

To bathe my feet in the wandering stream,

And rest my head in the rustling reeds,

And loose my thoughts to a better dream.

 

I sat myself at the waters' edge,

Where waves lap the shore all the while,

And there from the mists came a glimmering girl,

Her hair was brown, and her eyes were wild.

 

A form so pure never graced my eye,

Nor ones as perfect crossed my way,

She called my name, thrice, to me,

And vanished in the brightening day.

 

I will rise now and seek where days are done,

To find the one who set me free,

And pluck the golden orb of the sun

For her, for me, for eternity.

 

.oOo.

 

- Discordia

[Regel]

I really like this Discordia. Strong first verse:

I went for a walk in the whispering woods,

To bathe my feet in the wandering stream,

And rest my head in the rustling reeds,

And loose my thoughts to a better dream.

Just one quick comment about that final verse.

 

 

 

I will rise now and seek where days are done,

To find the one who set me free,

And pluck the golden orb of the sun

For her, for me, for eternity.

I am not comfortable with the structure of this last verse. It could be that I should stop drinking red wine in the evening but I so liked this poem. I would have liked it better like this.

 

To find the one who set me free,

I will rise now and seek where days are done.

For her, for me, for eternity

And pluck the golden orb of the sun.