Wyvern Posted February 9, 2004 Report Posted February 9, 2004 Handshakes like shorelines when a low tide slithers over sand. Distant and passive, passionless, stony as a sea urchin chasm. Never wish to convey unspeakable truths, when sweaty fingers slip and bulge, converge, then loosen, parting in a faded spark of a moment. If distance is a remedy, then submit me to contagion. Anything but that galling, painful medicine that seperates souls from soft spoken words and transforms gentle chimes into echoes. Fever still sounded deadly when we sat together and you tilted yourself towards me so our shoulders could touch... When the crevice of my anxiety caused a schism that put a cease to my spineless motion. The plexiglass rests between us, thin and fragile but if I could shatter it, reduce it to shards, I would lean that extra distance, brush against that shoulder. I would playfully shove, and dance, and tackle, and hold you tightly to show how much I really care. Walking together with our hands entwined, would have been worth every passing shoreline. A tender touch capable of corroding all granite gestures to dust.
Sorciere Posted February 10, 2004 Report Posted February 10, 2004 It is amazing how descriptive this is. The way you liken human actions to those of nature is wonderful. The comparison of a shoreline to hand shake is so obvious yet something that never crossed my mind. If distance is a remedy, then submit me to contagion That is my favourite line of the whole piece. The desire to be close to someone yet fighting your own inner reserves is one common to many people I think. The fear of being so afraid that you are left alone forever is something I myself couldn't bear. Anything but that galling, painful medicine I even read this line as if I were feeling the pain. Galling is an excellent choice of word there and I really can't think of a better one I would of chosen. Your choices of words and phrasing really expresses well to me the 'desparation' almost of wanting to be with someone you love. Great work!
Yuki Kokoro Posted February 12, 2004 Report Posted February 12, 2004 Walking together with our hands entwined, would have been worth every passing shoreline. A tender touch capable of corroding all granite gestures to dust. Excellent, excellent, excellent. I love it! Forsaking handshakes for hand holding; the physical difference isn't much, but the emotional difference is incredible. Nice way to tie back to the beginning while bringing it to a conclusion. I also liked the concept of a "tender touch" crumbling "granite gestures". Other favorite lines: The concept of transforming gentle chimes into echoes. I found it fascinating how well you turned this concept of distance into an audible comparison, sound fading into an echo. It was striking and memorable. "I would playfully shove, and dance, and tackle". Playful love comes off as very sincere to me because that represents more of a comfort and happiness rather than a generic "I want to hold you and kiss you and love you, etc". Playful love is so.... adorable, especially tackle (and glomp, but that wouldn't work well here ). That's all person preference though. Along the same lines of personal preference I have a few suggestion-type comments. This line: "stony as a sea urchin chasm" struck me as out of place and seemed... forced. Sea urchins drew me out of the poem because they seemed a bit random and "sea urchin chasm" isn't a concept that helps me understand the concept of stony, seems more... prickly, or maybe hostile. The only other thing would be the use of the word "bulge" in the second stanza. It changed my perception a lot because it doesn't fit in with "convey unspeakable truths" or "slip, converge, loosen, part". They seem hesitant, but more graceful, which played well into "faded spark of a moment" in my mind. That's a very elegant passage and bulge struck me as out of place. Though that may be how you meant it. Random thought: "...that separates souls from soft spoken words" Nice consonance/alliteration. Again, wonderfully intricate poem and I really loved the concept.
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