Sorciere Posted February 8, 2004 Report Posted February 8, 2004 Please be gentle, this is my first piece for months! So happy to be writing again, yay! Mark of Man A castle stands and views the land Atop the mound, it’s stonework grand Built by man in glorious days It’s turrets lost in springtime haze It’s sight - the silent, flowing lands Built tirelessly by nature’s hands Majestic trees sway in the breeze Nestled buds hide from the freeze Tall grasses nurture growing nests Amid the silence, nothing rests. A gift from high untouched by pain This gentle picture can’t remain Look closely here, you’ll see the trail Beneath the gentle, misty veil The swords that rust amid the dirt The scars in bark from human hurt The vines, once snaking, grabbing life Lie strewn about, destruction rife The leaves, which wear a bloody shine The roots that swim in bloody wine Even this haven, man has marred Beaten, damaged, tainted, scarred. But nature, in good time, will heal The violent gashes soon reseal The mud will hide each horrid trace Of the death that stalked this place In years to come no one will know What fed the roots to make them grow Except those ancient, knowing trees Whose leaves still shiver in the breeze
Tralla Posted February 8, 2004 Report Posted February 8, 2004 Yeah, I think you got it, Sorc. =) Everytime I read one of your poems, I love it. You've definitely got it. I especially enjoyed the rhythm in this one. It flowed so beautifully... Kind of reminded me of Lady of Shalott in the first stanza, both in rhythm and in subject. =D I think my favourite line was: "Amid the silence, nothing rests." That's just cool. Congrats on being able to write again, and wb.
Beautiful Nightmare Posted February 8, 2004 Report Posted February 8, 2004 *hugs* i love all of your poems omg i really wish i could write like you , your poems just touch on membories and bring them to the surface again! great poem hun!!!!
HopperWolf Posted February 8, 2004 Report Posted February 8, 2004 fantastic work. Faithful trusty structure and scheme used to great effect. several parts stand out to me. "the silent, flowing lands Built tirelessly by nature’s hands" Just simply great descriptive phrasing. flowing lands with flowing structure. I admire a poet who can effectivly merge the structure and the words like this. "The vines, once snaking, grabbing life Lie strewn about," Nice careful phrasing showing how great the similarties of man and nature appear and how different they really are (if you catch my meaning). Actually there are several more quotes I could use but these two illustrate, I think, most of the main aspects of your piece I enjoyed most quite sufficiently. The final stanza is also well done in that you have left much unsaid that would have perhaps have marred your work if pointed out (I also admire a poet who does not underestimate the reader). Perhaps some of the rhyming is clichéd but to be honest it's a trivial matter and I think largely unavoidable. Best thing I've read in a while.
purple_shadows Posted February 9, 2004 Report Posted February 9, 2004 I really loved the imagry of that piece. I didn't feel so much that I was reading it, instead it was more like seeing it. Almost like a dream.
Yuki Kokoro Posted February 9, 2004 Report Posted February 9, 2004 This is excellent. I loved the topic and especially the pacing. It opens with a quiet scene then pans in to look closer at the pain hidden beneath the peaceful exterior. All the visuals complimented this sense of zooming in and your attention to detail made this almost into a movie or at least a painting. The ending also very well-done and haunting. In years to come no one will know What fed the roots to make them grow Except those ancient, knowing trees Whose leaves still shiver in the breeze I really liked the leaves shivering in the breeze. It makes you wonder what has happened in the forests we walk through and whether the trees remember. The rhyme scheme was impressive as well. It seems surprisingly unforced for such a rigid structure and flowed very well. That also gave the piece an older feel which I felt complimented the poem very well. Again, wonderful work.
Sorciere Posted February 9, 2004 Author Report Posted February 9, 2004 You guys are the greatest! You have no idea how nervous I was before I posted this. After such a block, I really had started to convince myself I had lost it and yet, these comments are some of the best I have ever received! I know I asked you to be gentle, but wow. Thank you so much for givng me back my faith. I am so glad to be back among you all
Regel Posted February 11, 2004 Report Posted February 11, 2004 Tall grasses nurture growing nests Amid the silence, nothing rests. At least not for long in your case Sorciere. A quality piece of work. In years to come no one will know What fed the roots to make them grow Except those ancient, knowing trees Whose leaves still shiver in the breeze Vivid imagery through out but these two quotes strongly resonanted in me.
Parmenion Posted February 17, 2004 Report Posted February 17, 2004 One of the most inspired poems I have read in a long while. You have outdone yourself yet again Sorciere. Impeccable rhyming setting a scene of mystery about history. All of what we do not see when we glance, but what we may think upon as we stare. You cannot ever lose what you have. Its not something that can be lost or discarded. Just another of your many gifts. Well done.
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