HellHathNoScornLikeMe Posted February 6, 2004 Report Posted February 6, 2004 Who are you to tell me what to be, who are you to limit what i see. You who judge all that is un true, through the eyes that belong to you. Constant rebellion is not the way, the way to voice what you have to say. If that be so then how does one fight, fight for whats in there opinion right. And why has originality lost its truth, purity wasted on the youth. I guess ill just close my eyes and walk blind like the rest, ignor my mind and seldom do my best.
Parmenion Posted February 28, 2004 Report Posted February 28, 2004 Initially when I clicked on this poem a mass of words sprung up into my face and I got that creepy "ew" feel. Mainly because I'm a cranky old fart who likes things being easy on eyes to read Nevertheless I read through this work several times. Its good and touches on a subject that I feel a lot of us, not only the young, have to put with. The poem itself does an excellent job of highlighting an opinion that is obviously yours but that a lot of people in general could also relate to in one form of another. That is to say, the supression of thought, behaviour or speech. I would suggest a more readable format for the poem could be something like this: Who are you to tell me what to be? Who are you to limit what I see? You who judge all that is untrue, Through the eyes that belong to you. Constant rebellion is not the way... The way to voice what you have to say. If that be so then how does one fight? Fight for whats in their opinion right! And why has originality lost its truth? Purity wasted on the youth. I guess ill just close my eyes and walk blind like the rest, Ignore my mind and seldom do my best. These lines: Constant rebellion is not the way... The way to voice what you have to say. They are the most powerful for me. How else is one supposed to express themselves? It depends of course on a person's perspective on the word rebellion but I would feel it means standing up for what you believe in either through actions or speech. This is a marvellous couplet - very strong. Which is followed by an equally strong and sturdy couplet: If that be so then how does one fight? Fight for whats in their opinion right! touche! The second last line was too long for me and throws out the entire flow of the poem. An abbreviated line saying the same could easily be re-worked without much trouble. Thanks for sharing, I enjoyed reading this.
HellHathNoScornLikeMe Posted May 6, 2006 Author Report Posted May 6, 2006 that was a long time ago but thank you for your suggestions and reflections. Your right, upon rereading this, the end is too long, hows this? Who are you to tell me what to be? Who are you to limit what I see? You who judge all that is untrue, Through the eyes that belong to you. Constant rebellion is not the way... The way to voice what you have to say. If that be so then how does one fight? Fight for whats in their opinion right! And why has originality lost its truth? Purity wasted on the youth. Ill close my eyes, walk blind like the rest, Ignore my mind, seldom do my best.
reverie Posted May 6, 2006 Report Posted May 6, 2006 better... but you may want to consider rephrases your eighth line. I know your want the rhyming "right," it reads kind of awkward as is. Maybe substitute "if that is true" or "if that is so" for "if that be so" in the seventh line. "be so" is kind of archiac, which there nothing wrong with that, but you should strive to be consistant. Second last lines: consider putting the "and" back in. Why worry about the syllible count, unless your writing in form or set meter it's a crunch, you don't necassarly need it. Purity wasted on the (maybe insert adjective here) youth. Not sure on this one though. Hmm, let see what it look like with my suggestions plus some random revisions: Who are you to tell me what to be? Who are you to limit what I see? You who judge all that is untrue, Through the/your eyes that belong to you. (possible need for a conflict here or a metaphore) Constant rebellion is not the way... The way to voice what you have to say. If that is true then how does one fight? Fight for what's in their opinion right! (not sure how to rephrase this and keep the meaning) And why has originality lost its truth? Purity wasted on the carless (or better word) youth. Ill close my eyes and walk blind like the rest, Ignore my mind, seldom do my best. <--- consider rephrase my take, good start, has potential, keep at it, revery the dreamlost
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