DoomGaze Posted February 4, 2004 Report Posted February 4, 2004 Shallow Grave =============== Moonlit shadows colour this grey world With melodies of undisturbed silence. Silent echoes ravage the darkness, As they leave a trail, guided by absence. Crisp, stale air fills my lungs, As I breathe in the world around me. A lonely breeze dares to speak in my ear, Haunting me with every word spoken faintly. I choose to run through a corridor of fog, Only to have it blind my direction. Each turn I took, torment followed, Until I dug my own grave, nailed shut the coffin. Feeling safe within the confines of solitude, I embrace the asylum-like walls. Demons beckon me within the dark, I let go, and succumb to their calls. They draw me closer to my demise, A soul lost, that no one could save. I watch as I float away, Away from the ruins of my shallow grave.
Alaeha Posted February 4, 2004 Report Posted February 4, 2004 I like this... but there's one thing that I have to suggest. you might try taking the last away in the last stanza (first word of the fourth line) into the third line. Just bump it back a bit. It would help keep the momentum going a bit, I think, by reducing the habitual endline pause, and would even out the syllable count as well. *Hugs* Nicely done.
Zariah Posted February 4, 2004 Report Posted February 4, 2004 Very eerie!!!!!! Some suggestions: Pay attention to the verb tense. Halfway through you change the present tense to the past, and then back to the present…it may be more effective if you choose one tense. Line 2 ends with ‘silence’, and line 3 begins with ‘Silent’… perhaps a synonym would break the feeling of repetitiveness there. Line 7 has ‘speak’ in it, so for line 8, you could choose a synonym for ‘spoken’, such as uttered. Also there are other words for grave…this may not be as important, in my view, but since you used grave once, the last word could be a synonym that stands with greater impact on the entire poem, for example: other words for grave are crypt, vault, or chamber. However, I really liked the personification you gave to shadows, the silent echoes, the lonely breeze, fog. It was as if they were beings in themselves terrorizing the character to his death. These are just my suggestions. It was good to see you post!!!! -Katy
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