Mira Posted January 31, 2004 Report Posted January 31, 2004 Spelling and grammer aren't what I'd like them to be. Feedback level 3 requested. We’ve got people growin’ up to be toddlers We’ve got young kids old enough to fight in our wars Somewhere somthing’s been turned all around Somewhere someone has messed with the score And now we’ve got terrorists with more support than US And now we’ve got holy men creatin’ a sinful fuss When all you need to be a leader is a catchy phrase and a hansom face And a billion dollars of support; now voting seems an awful waste And it seems the whole worlds is plastiqued up And the only way to win is by giving up And everone’s looking for a quick “pick-me-up” In some magic dust or mystic cup Why do we keep pressin’ on? To fight in battles already lost To live our lives at such a cost And only try to not get lost In this burning, churning avalanche of time.
X-Sabre Posted January 31, 2004 Report Posted January 31, 2004 Wow, Mira, I am honestly in awe of what I just read. I've had to reread it at least 6 times so far, and it just touches me deeply. The mood this poem displays, is basically exactly what I've felt for years. I really wish I could describe this more, and give you a better feedback, but I'm not sure if I can. You vividly describe the feeling I get everytime I wake up in the morning. Why do we keep pressin’ on? I ask myself this question everyday. You wrote a poem that really described a lot of my problems very clearly. And I thank you for that. I'm glad to know someone else has questions that I don't understand either. Basically Mira, all I can is that I am highly impressed, and hope you are able to convey your ideas just as clearly as this. Although the poem is highly political, it makes perfect sense to me being an American. And in fact, I'd actually like to talk with you a bit more if at all possible, even though I'm sure we probably aren't on the best of the terms. Overall, thanks Mira.. It was awesome to have a great read on this board, and actually make me think a bit. Just thank you, and I hope this post was of any help to you.
Mira Posted January 31, 2004 Author Report Posted January 31, 2004 Thanks X-Saber. This post was extremely helpful. It's comments like yours that I’m trying to receive, comments were people tell me what the poem meant to them. As for talking with you about this kind of thing, I'd be happy to anytime. I've no problems at all with you.
Yuki Kokoro Posted February 9, 2004 Report Posted February 9, 2004 As soon as I saw this I knew I had to reply, but now that I find time, even a week later I still don't know what to say. From the very beginning this poem drew me in. The first two lines are wonderful, an excellent opening. "We’ve got people growin’ up to be toddlers/ We’ve got young kids old enough to fight in our wars". I've often wondered about this. Many adults are so childish that children are disillusioned and forced to take on more responsibility than they should ever have to deal with. The other line that really hit me is: "And it seems... the only way to win is by giving up". This is such a great expression of how resignation sets in and why people stop caring. This one line encompasses a whole generation and the country or the world will pay for it, and in some ways is paying for it. Also, with the election going on this sentiment: "When all you need to be a leader is a catchy phrase and a hansom face" resonates as well. It's frustrating when everyone complains that elections have become a popularity contest, but vote on the same principles themselves. "And only try to not get lost/ In this burning, churning avalanche of time" This hits close to home as well. You do a great job with this view of life as a desperate struggle trying to find anything to hold onto. It's hard when nothing seems solid enough or worth trying to keep. This is so wonderful and like X-Saber I wish I could give you something more critical than spitting back my interpretation, but I just related to a lot of it. This seems like a poem people would look back on to show the attitude of the current time. You capture so much in these lines, the attitude of a generation, or at least a significant portion of it. Wonderful poem.
HopperWolf Posted February 9, 2004 Report Posted February 9, 2004 I too find I relate to a lot of what you say here, and have to applaud to way you tackle the subjects. That first line means a heck of a lot to me, it's my biggest general gripe. How can I take life seriously (or fail to?) when the 6 year old kid I babysit for is better behaved,makes more sense and is far more honest than the men that lead my country? Unfortunately it is something that I think is unlikely to ever change. It's a fact of life - power corrupts as it were. It has been the case throughout history, with any form of government. And we do need government regardless. "When all you need to be a leader is a catchy phrase and a hansom face ... now voting seems an awful waste" Rings true when today in Britain we really don't have much to choose between and whichever way we go looks likely to bugger us up. And when what a politician says is no guarantee (Not that it ever was) - we can't even trust a party's mandate. "And it seems the whole worlds is plastiqued up" This sparked a thought, I mean, it seems the whole world is like that - it always does, but all you're really seeing is your little bit of it. (Patriotic americans look away) It is especially the impression America gives in, well, all of Europe that they really think their own country is the whole world, in which case this line brings that critical view into focus superbly. (Start reading again) "The only way to win is by giving up" This seems to me to be a harshly critical line, and I'm not sure if it intended with a bit of sarcasm. It is never really the case. Obviously to give up seems the only real choice but then you would far from win. The only real choice is, of course, to stand up and speak. Of course, figure out what you want to say first. Music, for example, used to be the platform for the youth (over here) to speak to the world and let everyone know what they think and, of course, to influence world politics. It was the ideal shoutbox for them. Now it seems that we don't have one, and the youth of today have been brainwashed by the media with "I'm a celebrity get me out of here" and "Big brother" to be perfectly happy with nothing on their minds. And it's true, no one really wants to actually get across their views here because most people don't have them. The joys of the TV culture. Those people have given up and look at the good it did them. "Why do we keep pressin' on?" Cos we got to. Ok, now for the technical stuff. Your structure in the first stanza is nearly there, with a couple of alterations (Like 3 words) you could have a greast rhythm goin, a nice 10, 10, 9, 9 - it's unconventional but I've always though it was catchy. You don't really have any structure after that, and I think it would help if you went with a good steady form, perhaps a basic iambic rhythm with a few custom dactylics or something. I'm not sure how many feet you'd want but no more than five probably, after that it gets a bit awkward. Obviously, this would involve breaking down some of your lines, cos you;d end up with 9, 10 or 11 to the line, but I think you'd probably find it worth it. For the last stanza I tried a reading with and a reading without it and I thought that without the thing ended resonatly with the single line above. If you look at the final stanza you don't say anything you haven't already implied or said above so you could happily do without. Of course, it's all suggestion, don't feel I'm forcing you here... oh sorry is that your arm...? heheh. seriously, I just feel I should bring something to the table when I make comment.
Mira Posted February 9, 2004 Author Report Posted February 9, 2004 I can't tell you guys how much I appreciate this kind of feedback. Just one clarification note that might add a little something. In the third stanza, first line that reads "And it seems the whole worlds is plastiqued up" Plastique is a word referring to plastic explosives or C4. I did, however, intended that it be interpreted the way Hopperwolf did.
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