Savage Dragon Posted January 31, 2004 Report Posted January 31, 2004 Drifting OOC: Im not sure what to think of this, either i'll get responses that'll say "nice one", or "what the hell" and im thinking it'll be the second. i threw it together from scratch prefering the free write and i think i'll probably want to work on it more. give me some feedback, im not sure what to think about it -------------------- Drifting The lunchroom filled with people with nothing better to do than fill rooms, friends chatting with friends about their friends and their other friends, eating food that isn’t good and really shouldn’t be called food. A place for everyone and everyone In their place Except one Drifting The table of jocks, the table of stoners, the table of cool kids, the table of loners If you’re in drama you sit there and over there if you’re in band And those are the foreign exchange kids, who I can rarely understand Everyone knows where they're supposed to be, everyone belongs except for me Drifting To drift for an age and never be calm This is my proverb This is my psalm
Ayshela Posted January 31, 2004 Report Posted January 31, 2004 A place for everyone and everyone In their place Except one Drifting mmmmm that was always me, too. wasn't even the usual "square peg in a round hole" either, more like octagonal peg and triangular space. there's nothing more lonely than being alone in the middle of a crowd. *hugs*
Yuki Kokoro Posted February 1, 2004 Report Posted February 1, 2004 (edited) I loved the first sentence; the phrasing just struck a chord with me. The simple language and repetition helped set the melancholy but resigned mood of the piece very well. I felt it was more observant than actively depressed and that makes for interesting poetry. Only one suggestion: Add more of it. There seems to be a lot there and although the poem was good it felt like it had gaps and ideas were left incompletely explored. Perhaps which places you've tried to fit into? The other thing that made it seem unfinished was the last stanza: "To drift for an age and never be calm" that seems much more final than not fitting in at school so if that's how you feel you may want to write a section on the possible future of such a drifting attitude and what the rest of the world's categories are. Very nice poem, I hope to see your future drafts, if any. Edited February 1, 2004 by Yuki Kokoro
theenemyisyou Posted February 3, 2004 Report Posted February 3, 2004 i do really like the lines "this is my proverb/this is my psalm." kickass
Savage Dragon Posted September 15, 2004 Author Report Posted September 15, 2004 (edited) Drifting OOC: Im not sure what to think of this, either i'll get responses that'll say "nice one", or "what the hell" and im thinking it'll be the second. i threw it together from scratch prefering the free write and i think i'll probably want to work on it more. give me some feedback, im not sure what to think about it -------------------- Drifting The lunchroom filled with people with nothing better to do than fill rooms, friends chatting with friends about their friends and their other friends, eating food that isn’t good and really shouldn’t be called food. A place for everyone and everyone In their place Except one Drifting The table of jocks, the table of stoners, the table of smart kids, the table of loners If you’re in drama you sit there and over there if you’re cool those are the band kids, and they're the kids who like school Everyone knows where they're supposed to be, everyone belongs except for me Drifting in a world where everyone tries to be different, im the only one who tries to be the same everyone knows my face, no one knows my name when you're lost in a crowd there is no way to get out even when you shout and i begin to doubt what my life is about Difting if high school prepares you for the real world, then my lifes been a waste help me oh lord, help me find my place To drift for an age and never be calm This is my proverb This is my psalm wow this thing is old, i dont even remember getting this much feedback. Here i decided to work on it a little. Edited September 22, 2004 by MeThinksUFoolish
Loki Wyrd Posted September 16, 2004 Report Posted September 16, 2004 I can definitely relate to this one. I always had the feeling that I never truly belonged, even though if I really wanted to, I could have "fit" in any of the cliques. While I preferred some parts of your revised version, I kind of liked it when it was short (not an attention-span thing, either). Sometimes you can say all you need in a few words.
dragonqueen Posted September 18, 2004 Report Posted September 18, 2004 That's an awesome poem. My life feels like that sometimes...pointless, meaningless. You've got a nice rhyme thing going too. The only part I didn't care for was this line. take me now lord, they dont want me in this place That seemed a little sudden, and it sounds like a death wish. A bit dark for the rest of the poem, I thought. Anyway, I love this poem, and at this time it really relates to my life...
DarkPainInside Posted September 18, 2004 Report Posted September 18, 2004 i love this poem; i feel i can relate to it (though, i suppose most people do feel like this @ some point in their lives) Why, more often that not, is high school such a bad experience for so many?!? like, did i miss somthing? lol. Anywho, fantastic poem MeThinksUFoolish!!!
Savage Dragon Posted September 20, 2004 Author Report Posted September 20, 2004 That's an awesome poem. My life feels like that sometimes...pointless, meaningless. You've got a nice rhyme thing going too. The only part I didn't care for was this line. take me now lord, they dont want me in this place That seemed a little sudden, and it sounds like a death wish. A bit dark for the rest of the poem, I thought. Anyway, I love this poem, and at this time it really relates to my life... i know what yur saying. it does sound a bit suicidal and thats not what i want but im having trouble getting something else to fit. i defeintly want some sort of plea to the lord but i dont want it to sound like hes going to kill himself
Loki Wyrd Posted September 20, 2004 Report Posted September 20, 2004 Maybe instead of "take me now lord" just a simple "help me lord?" *shrugs*
Savage Dragon Posted September 22, 2004 Author Report Posted September 22, 2004 (edited) Maybe instead of "take me now lord" just a simple "help me lord?" *shrugs*ah, yea that works, thanx if high school prepares you for the real world, then my lifes been a waste help me oh lord, help me find my place Edited September 22, 2004 by MeThinksUFoolish
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