Zariah Posted January 30, 2004 Report Posted January 30, 2004 I walked him to his car down the street from school We made out under his umbrella and sat for minutes on his hood Of his red sports car, cheap but decorated to the max, Yet all I could think was that I wanted him to pay me that much attention So we got in and he drove me back to the gym The way his hands glided that stick shift made my desire bubble Yet he gave me a look to get out so he could get home to his friends Like every other Friday, I was not good enough for a real date So I called him as required, so he wouldn’t yell at me the next day And I let him go by 7 so he could meet with Cynthia at the movies Wondering why my life was on hold for him, yet intoxicated with his being Sickening my body was, for I was 105 pounds thin with no appetite. Always I’d cry, for my obsession drove me through a self-created hell And Sunday night came, so I wrote him the first note he expected and showered Next morning I put on make up and my hair the way he wanted it And met him at his locker, like a puppy to watch him socialize I handed him his note, walked him to class and let him tell me what I did wrong To the guidance counselor’s room I again went in tears to share my pain Ignoring their advice, I went to class and wrote letter number 2 Like a freak, I told him I had gone to the shrink and WAS he pissed Ultimatums he made, and I went behind his back to the counselor Crying through the halls like a fool and again drunk in his essence No longer even hugging, I wondered WHAT he wanted from me I accused him of cheating on me, for he never took me out… And of course, I got a verbal and then physical beating for my insolence Again an ultimatum; and sadly, he held me telling me I had his love… Weeks again of notes, walking him to classes, not speaking until spoken to, Nightly calls reducing me to tears, starving, and now cutting …. Weeks of daily secret visits to the counselors, losing friends, Reaching out for acceptance from him and his friends…. But just looking at me, they laughed, and I cried yet again It became apparent that I was too messed up to exist… I thought I was devoted and not good enough for my obsession I was so blind and couldn’t see he was stepping all over me So I did everything, like a slave and suffered pain of loneliness And felt like dying, to be anywhere but where I was going I took all the pills in the house, prescription and non, over 200 pills I lost 2 days and can not remember what happened, but I was numb Put into hospitals and messed over by uncaring doctors I was given medicines I was allergic to and misdiagnosed When put into outpatient, I cut and took an entire bottle of Wellbutrin And had my stomach pumped and drank charcoal in NYC hospital Back to the inpatient, and then later transferred to a new hospital There I was counseled and given the RIGHT medications After 3 months, I was released and transferred to a new high school Where I “started over” and tried to fit in with a new independence I hate the fact that I couldn’t see what I was doing to myself I wish now, 4 years later, I could tell myself what to do. What would my life have been like if I made better choices? I would have dropped his butt as soon as he started his behavior! I could have moved on, had a better education, gotten into a better college, Had better friends, grown up a little faster…. But it’s all over. I can’t change the past, although I wish I could have And I can only know that for this experience I did gain something. I grew up a lot emotionally, and I can see all the things I missed before And I maybe with this insight, I can help others. Self harm and degradation ARE giving up…. And others can help you see the good in life. So if you are in trouble, ASK for help Ask for insight, for a change in environment, for enlightenment. Although I was astray from God, I know He was there for me. I still had my life, to realize and live after the stormy experience. And He is here with me now, as always, and I am SO thankful. His Son gave us eternal life, and God gave me a second chance to show gratitude.
Regel Posted January 31, 2004 Report Posted January 31, 2004 What a beautiful sad story. It is often hard for me to read material like this because it difficult to for me to be a passive observer. Anger creeps in and colours my judgement. The only champion I have learned in this world that you need already believes in you. You just need to believe.
Peredhil Posted January 31, 2004 Report Posted January 31, 2004 Too bad the most effective wisdom and tolerance comes from messing life up one's self. As long as you grow from it, it's a lesson from the past. As long as you deny it, it's cycle to be repeated in the future. I'm glad that, in my experience with you, you're learning from life, no matter how hard, and not in denial.
Yuki Kokoro Posted February 1, 2004 Report Posted February 1, 2004 I really don't know what to say but I feel incapable of passing this poem without replying. You touched me deeply. I have seen something like this (but not as serious) happen and reading this brought back the frustration, anger, and confusion that the situation brings. You did such an amazing job with the emotions and specific descriptions. *can't help herself, so she hugs you* Outstanding poem.
DoomGaze Posted February 1, 2004 Report Posted February 1, 2004 Katy, Katy, Katy.... whenever I see a poem this long (maybe not this long ) I tend to only read about half of it, but when I started reading this, it drew me in more and more.... This poem is vibrant with deep, raw emotion, and I'm quite speechless, to a certain extent. I will probably not endure what you have but I sort of know where you are coming from, thinking that there may be a chance next time that someone will feel and change their minds about you, even though everytime you tried, it came back and smacked you in the face. You show great courage and endurance at accepting your past mistakes and hopefully not try to repeat them in the process, but learn upon them. (Maybe I should learn from you, I'm struggling to accept my past now) As a final note, remarkably emotion poem that I would definatly give a good grade for... There is nothing like emotion at it's purest form in writing. :woot: :woot: :woot: :woot: :woot: 5/5 w00ts from me! PS. don't ever be ashamed of your writing!!
Sorciere Posted February 1, 2004 Report Posted February 1, 2004 A beautifully written piece. The flow caught me a little at first but on reading it again (incidentally I was so impressed I read it many times over and over), it works. I find the reference to a puppy very telling. A perfect comparison. A puppy loves despite all we do, returning religiously even after we hurt it badly. Eventually even the puppy realises it's in a bad situation, the difference is, we are able to ask for help. Excellent writing.
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