Merelas Posted January 30, 2004 Report Posted January 30, 2004 Guidelines for reading the following poem: I am a terrible poet. This is not my most familliar arena, and I'm still finding that lately I'm being drawn to write more and more poetry. I am better with stories, and images, I think... but when the muse calls, all you can do is hang on for dear life. I can never convey how the beat/tempo is supposed to go. Reading it again, I tried to imagine if I weren't the author and I was just reading it as a piece I was unfamilliar with how I would do so... and I found it extremely choppy. So, I'm going to take a shot at describing the tempo. I have purposefully used lots of two syllable lines, and these are to be read slowly, in an almost sing-song type manner, with a pause at the end of the line. I realize this probably does nothing for you, but I really don't know how else to describe it. Even if the tempo cannot be conveyed to the ear, I hope that you will be able to look at the words and see the message that I have tried to weave into the poem (however, probably unsuccessful), and see that it has at least some merit. Without further ado, I hope you enjoy. P.S.-- I don't like the title I have here either. Suggestions? -Merelas en'Bella ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ Caught When you leave me I hear you still. And then I see You’re gone until We meet again We meet again. Without your touch, without your love I’m lost at sea. And when you’re gone I always know You don’t love me. The wind whispers The clouds scream. And inside, I know You don’t love me. And now You’re here… I cry inside. Because I know… This isn’t right. You will leave me And I will cry. And in the end, Time after time, The lies The hope… They make me blind. But still I stay, I don’t unwind. So please, If you love me… Let me go. Don’t keep Playing… For we both know-- You don’t love me… And I can see… You know it too… You know it too. And still I lay Awake at night. I have This love— For you inside. Shadows gesture, Light punches me. And with Their help… I begin to see. I see you now. Standing there. And I ask myself, “Why do I care?” You say You know… You'll try to change. By now, I know You have your ways. Night falls I rest… But never sleep. And when I think of you… I slowly weep. Let me go… Let me go… You say you need me You say you have love… Nothing but lies. And always, I stay, I believe what you say… Time after time.
Appy Posted January 30, 2004 Report Posted January 30, 2004 Read it two times, out loud, something I usually don't do (yes I know I should) Gave me the shivers. First time I thought the end was out of place and unfinished, but I got it the second time around. The choppy feel works well for me. I cannot say that I used your tempo.. it made it more difficult to read it. Instead I treated each stanza as incantation, and that works well. Putting the emphasis on the last line in each 3 lined stanza if that helps explain how I read it. Maybe I should not be replying at all.. I realise I'm not really aware of what I want to say or how I can help, but here you have it. I like this the way it is, and especially the lenght is giving it it's mystical feel.. For the title, "Caught" could work, but how about "Mystified" or "Trapped"? The writer seems mystified and trapped in enchantment all through the poem, and realising it. My 2 cents, I'm glad you don't shun putting poetry into being, even though you call yourself a story-writer *hugs*
X-Sabre Posted January 31, 2004 Report Posted January 31, 2004 Merelas, thank you.. Honestly, I'm glad you posted. It was an awesome read, the choppy structure hit home. It works with the mood you are trying to set. *at least I think so.* I'm glad to have met you, as well as have trying to become friends with you. I wholeheartedly thank you for the amount of chances you have given me, and I love what you do write. I'm not the best at critiquing, but I try the best I can.
Wyvern Posted February 1, 2004 Report Posted February 1, 2004 I really liked this piece as well, Merelas. Unlike Appy, I thought that the tempo you intended for it came out well through the structure, as the way the poem was phrased and broken up gave it a very slow and melancholic feel. There were certain places where the syllable structure changed along with the tempo, but these seemed intentional as they only added to the broken feel of the poem. In terms of titles, "Caught" works well, though maybe you could add in a reference to the "her" of the poem. "Caught in her Shadow," perhaps? Nice work.
Ayshela Posted February 1, 2004 Report Posted February 1, 2004 read more as lyrics, it works very well. i haven't really any suggestions or comments beyond how much i like this. As far as the title, if you wanted to emphasize the deceit aspect, you might consider "Caught in her web" or something similar.
Yuki Kokoro Posted February 1, 2004 Report Posted February 1, 2004 There's been a run of particularly exceptional poetry lately. This one packs quite a punch. This feeling put into words is always such an introspective experience because I think everyone goes through this emotion at some time. The pain that comes with knowing a relationship will end, but being unable to end it because the thought of being without that person is even more painful. Thank you also for the note about the tempo. Short lines tend to blur together for me and make me speed up, so without the comment I probably would have wreaked havoc with what you were trying to create. I enjoyed this immensely, as I tend to enjoy intensely emotional poems. Relatable, excellent and... I wish you luck. As for title, I liked the suggestion of "Caught in her Shadow", but I also feel that the short one-syllable title sounds rather profound and fits the mood of the piece nicely.
reverie Posted February 2, 2004 Report Posted February 2, 2004 kudos I like it... I think beginning poets from who are talented in other writing fields can come up with lots of neat stuff 'cause they don't know, are not aware, or haven't formed they own structural/style rules... so they don't have to work as hard to break out habits... so every trail is a new and fresh and ya... if that make any since... revery the dreamlost "i am not an egg..." the dream continues...
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