lumpenproletariat Posted January 28, 2004 Report Posted January 28, 2004 (edited) At the age of 18, I feel that I should feel grown up, or at least more grown up than I did before. But I don't. I am who I always was. Could this be evidence time doesn't exist? I *am* the same person I was when I was 5, I have learned more things, and my body has changed, but I am the same person. My conscience then knew about my current state of mind and current state of body, the same way my conscience now knows my current states of mind and body. Yet time says that something in the future cannot be the thing it was in the past. Is some piece of dog feces on a lawn the dogfood that it was before, and is that dogfood the cow and other animals it was before that? It may be somewhat preposterous to be comparing myself to dog poo, but it wasn't my intention, merely drawing a picture of conflicting truths. At the age of 18, I believe I have spent enough time with and around other people that I can read their body language and personal nuances. However, what if I'm fooling myself? I am certainly no psychologist, no Freud. I would like to think I can read people, listen to what they don't know they're saying, but am I so used to inhabiting the omnipotent presence a television show or movie bequeaths upon me, that I think I know more about people than I do. Then does that mean people will act as they do on T.V. and in movies? Is the human psyche so calculable that someone whos' paycheck has too many zero's can write it into a script suitable for weekly use? Surely the stereotypicality of fictional Television characters, and for that matter "real" reality TV "stars" makes their thought process chartable. But then, if TV and movies have had such a big effect on me as I seem to worry they may have, then is it possible that many if not most other people are also effected the same way, and thus let their actions and thoughts and beliefs and emotions be governed by what visual media tells them is socially acceptable and correct? Then I would be correct in assuming I can tell what a person may be thinking, or how they will react when I say a given thing to them. At the age of 18 years, 1 month and 23 days, I have more knowledge in my brain than I have ever had at a point previously in my life. I know how to do more things than I did previously. If I practice these things I will learn how to do them better. How much "space" does my brain have? How many gigabytes of memory before my biological harddrive needs a format? When will I start permanently start forgetting things to accomodate new knowledge? *Will* I start permanently forgetting things? Is it possible to permanently forget things? Supposedly hyponosis can bring up memories you believed you forgot. Are the electronic highways in my head forged forever? The sure-fire reassurance that others have "been there done that", "Veni Vidi Vici", is indeed reassuring. My brain will not leak memory out my nose anytime soon. At the age of 18, I think I am more sensible than I was at anytime before. Sensible in all aspects of life. I look back at the clothes I wore a year ago and I scoff. I look back at what I used to believe in and I scoff. I look back at myself and wonder, maybe it was a different person. I look like them, I have the same name as them, I know the people they know, but my thoughts characterise me. My thoughts, emotions, beliefs and actions are all conducted by my brain, yet as I have learned more things since my past, my brain is different than it once was. Thus am I a different person to prior self. Am I myself? Now I am perplexed. I am, yet I'm not. I am reminded of the quote "I think therefore I am." I have been told by the governing class of self righteousness that this is incorrect, and that it is ofcourse "I am therefore I am". Is that not like saying "I am eating peanut butter, therefore I am eating peanut butter." It is as prudent as making an algebraic formula of "X = X", or giving "X" as the answer to a much harder formula that you simply cannot solve, perchance for lack of understanding? Maybe the pharisaic legions can go talk a long walk off a short pier. At the age of 18, my subway system of thought weaves its magic, it's utter human essence, and proceeds to judge. Television tells me judging others is bad, yet how can you not judge someone? I immediatly makes assumptions based on someone around their appearance, I don't believe myself to be stereotyping though. I don't know what exactly I'm doing, I only know I do it and can't not do it. Maybe I'm protecting myself and building a potential mental barrier between myself and someone I wouldn't normally know. Right now my grey matter tells me that I should not approach a 300lb man with many many tattoos and a fearsome visage. But, if a small girl of no more than 5 ran up to him wearing a pink fairies dress and fake fairy wings, grabbed his hand and said "I love you daddy" to which he responds "I love you too, pumpkin." My mental profile of him would change. He is then approachable, he is then a nice man. That is judging. Yet I have never had this happen to me in my life that I can remember. So maybe I do unwittingly believe that judging is wrong, and subconsciously ignore, rather than profile someone. Conversely, at this moment in my life, I believe people define life. When asked by someone "what is the meaning of life", I think an adequate answer is "people". I remember somewhere recently I believe Appy posted that (a quote) lonliness is desire to be with company and not having it, if you don't desire it, its called solitude. I don't buy into that. People effect people, it is an inevitability. Not being with people, anyform of people, that is books, TV, news, et cetera - can only lead down a path of despair. I hate to inform your English Professor Appy, but solitude is somewhat more complicated - though I am also pertinently aware he was probably trying to be witty and impressive. ....look, there I go judging people again. Postscript: Aardvark and Tyrion, trolling isn't needed. Edited January 28, 2004 by lumpenproletariat
Aardvark Posted January 28, 2004 Report Posted January 28, 2004 Awe, c'mon, where else other than that post that clearly had a sign on it that said "TROLL THIS POST, I DARE YOU! I DOUBLE DARE YOU!!", when have I trolled? Hell, I think I've started more threads on this forum than I've replied to others'. So because of one thread that was begging for it, you've judged me a forum troll. Hehehe At age 21, I stereotype first, judge second. I'm told this is wrong, but 90% of the time, the stereotype fits. That's less thinking for me to do. If I can get by with as little thought as possible, I'm saving mental energy for myself. And since I don't want to associate with most stereotypes, I'm saving myself the effort at the start. And the 10% I do have to judge? Half of them are worse than their stereotype, a few more are just as bad, which leaves only a handful I establish some form of relationship with. I do this because I can. Sure, I could judge and attempt to connect with all and I'd probably find a few more people whom I wouldn't have spotted before, but I'd also have too many people who irritate me knowing who I am. At 21, I look back on everyone I used to be. But I don't just look at them. I look at them and everything around them. I can't understand why at age 5, I wouldn't say please, even if doing so meant I got what I wanted right away, but I can see that it was an important decision at the time. At age 11, of course I'd be suicidally depressed. My comfortable little world was collapsing. How could I react any other way. At age 15 I began my descent into madness. What triggered it? Any number of things. The sum of those things. Regardless, today at age 21, I'm proud of who I am. I enjoy life, I can't really say there's anything more I need, but I know this isn't the person I'm going to be the day I die. All I know is every decision I've made so far in life has been the right one. And as for the meaning of life? Well, I've got two theories. A god and a godless. I don't care what any book or church says about God, but if there is one and this deity did happen to create humans in it's own image, then I'd assume that anything a human is capable of doing was meant to be done. Otherwise it would've been left out of the design. But I can also see that from our humble beginnings, we were given the potential for greatness. We're only a few rungs above oblivion and cannot see the top of the ladder from where we are. Which would make a creator more proud? Climbing to the top or hitting bottom? And as for godless, well, if there's no god, the only reason we're here is because anything's possible and over a long enough timeframe, everything will happen, we're just destined to happen eventually. So we just procreate and die, see how long we can last against chaos. Oh yeah, Lumpy. *flips the bird* /troll
lumpenproletariat Posted January 28, 2004 Author Report Posted January 28, 2004 I guess, sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. oh yea and Aardvark....ah fuck it
Aardvark Posted January 29, 2004 Report Posted January 29, 2004 Oi! Watch your language, sheepshagger. I never want to see you using incorrect punctuation or capitalisation again.
Recommended Posts