DeanTheAdequate Posted January 27, 2004 Report Posted January 27, 2004 (For those who don't kow, the first story in this series is here The Last Duel... And now...) The gentle breeze swayed the bamboo shoots as Yama brought his sword down. Over and over as the breeze cooled his sweat. His father looked on with pride. "One day my son" he said "you will help change all you survey in ways even this old man cannot predict." "Yes father." Yama replied. He glanced over to his father's favorite spot, but could not see him there. He felt a tug as his blade stopped in mid swing. Yama quickly turned to see his sword, embedded in his father... * * * Yama Mitsurugi's eyes bolted open. He tensed, but quickly loosened up. Kitsune, his bride, had pressed hard against his back. It was warm here, in the future he had carved. In a way, this was why Yama took up his sword two days ago. He had denounced his lordship a year ago, because all he ever wanted was to have a common happiness. That, and his love for this woman. "A mere daughter of a gardener." his father had said "She is your subject and is yours at any time..." Those words left Yama with a hasty retreat under the cover of darkness and a deep resentment for the old ways. But now he had his own path, he grabbed it with his own hands and woulden't let anything take it away. And then Yama glanced at his sword, leaning against the far wall. He shut his eyes and tried to forget. There were still those who would take away all he had worked for... * * * "When are you gonna' let me leave!" "When you decide to tell me where you left the offering bowl you stole from the temple." "But I didn't..." Yama ignored it the best he could, but Naota had never been one to confess when he was getting free room and board. He continued his paperwork until his section chief came along. "Yama, I have some bad news." Hikame began "A group of dissadents have raided a village to the southwest. I know it's been such a short time since you came back..." "I know" said Yama "but as a fledgling force we must make the most of our most promising and useful members." Hikame stared blankly. "Yes, well... It's too big a job for just one, so I'm having Shuji go with you. Also, I've been able to get you this." Hikame dropped a package on the desk. Yama opened it to find a gun and belt. "That's a colt navy pistol. Just came off the ship." Hikame began "One day we will all have fine sidearms like this." "No." "What?" "I will not carry this. I have no business using what I have no training in." "Now see here." said Hikame "As the times change even you must. The sword I have permitted you to use is for your skill and safety. One day the sword will be no more than a ceremonial bauble. Now, the gun is part of your uniform commander, and I won't have my officers out of full uniform. Understand?" Yama fumed for a moment before letting out "Yes sir." "Good." * * * Shuji was outside, bridling the horses. "Good morning Cammander." Shuji began "I'm ready when you are." Yama looked over Shuji. He had left Lord Mitsurugi's lands when the first opprotunity arose. Shuji had been a good friend in the courtyards. The son of a cook, Shuji had an intense feeling of wanderlust withen the castle walls. He had found Yama a job with the newly formed police. To repay his kindness, Yama had trained Shuji in the proper use of a sword and got him a fine replacement for the government issued steel. "Please Shuji," Yama said "let's just speak of old times before we get to the village. I have much to talk about." * * * The journey was swift. Soon they found a village in mourning. Three had been killed in the raid. One policeman, and two villagers who tried to help. "They must of needed supplies" the village chief said "All they wanted were the villages stores, but now we may miss a meal." "Amateurs I'd say." said Shuji, going over some tracks "They took the livestock. A child could follow thier trail." "But no child could fight them." said the village chief "They had...." he rolled the unfamiler word in his mouth "...guns." Yama looked cooly at the situation. All of those killed had gunshot wounds. The officer's sword had been broken in two. He cursed inwardly. "We should set out soon." Yama said "We will be back for a cart to get back your stores." They set off between grieving wives, mothers, children and kin. All pleading for a swift vengance. "Shoulden't we get some help from Kyoto?" shouted Shuji as they rode. "There is no time or resources. They cannot hide as long as they keep the livestock, but they will soon realize thier mistake. We go." * * * There were signs of the raiding party slowing for the night. They had rode hard and caught up to the raiders as they made camp in a clearing in the wood. Several thick timbers lay about, as if a lightning strike cleared the area some time ago. Yama and Shuji had left thier horses behind. Behind two trees, they observed the raiding party of ten men. They had settled down to eat one of the pigs taken. The policemen waited until all the mebers had had thier fill. Shuji drew his fine european blade, as Yama soon nodded. They burst through the thicket and into the firelight. "If you are unarmed you will not be harmed!" shouted Yama, but this desperate sort never took this bit of advice. One of the raiders took up the skewer the pig was on, still piping hot. He thrust out at Yama. Yama drew his blade out only halfway to parry the metal. He then brought his kneee into the raider's bread basket, and the man crumpled. Shuji was having good luck as well. Two of them had reaping flails at the ready. The stronger of the two had ensnared Shuji's left arm and pulled. Shuji fought with it for a moment until the other raider came to strike. Then, in one motion, Shujiducked under the blow and put a slash into the first raider's belly. The second one fell back and was given a piercing blow. One by one the raiders fell. Some dead, most alive. Until there was one left standing by a cartload of ill gotten supplies. "Give it up." Shuji said from across the firepit "You have only yourself to blame for this outcome." But a moment later the raider pulled something out from the cart. There was a bang and a puff of smoke. Shuji fell to the ground, bleeding. "Arrgh! Yama!" But Yama wasn't in the firelight. He had taken cover behind one of the fallen trees. He knew that if he was spotted in the firelight he would be killed. "He's shot my leg, but I'll..." BANG "Arrgh!" Yama peered over. The raider was behind the cart and placing wounding shots into Shuji. Yama slinked back behind the tree. 'So this is what it's come to.' he thought 'Yama Mitsurugi leaves the fight because of a gun..." He slumped as another shot rang out and Shuji screamed again. He hardened his resolve and put his hand on his sword... But he hit the gun holster instead. He took the pistol out. It was apparently ready to fire. Hikame had said so. Yama jumped over the log with his gun brandished. The raider took aim, but Yama still had his years of reaction training. Yama emptied his gun. It was over. Only one shot had hit the raider, but it had counted. Yama ran to Shuji. "Got him?" Shuji asked. "Yes." Yama removed his undershirt and began making bandages. "He was toying with me. I'm not set to ride." "It's fine. They've left us a lovely cart to take the survivors in. You'd better hold this." Yama handed over the gun "So they don't try anything." * * * The villagers quickly set out to retrieve thier stores. Shuji had been treated at the village chief's house. He would spend a long time recovering. Yama returned to his home. Kitsune greeted him warmly and went to prepare a meal for her "hero". Yama began to remove his uniform, and stopped when he took off the gunbelt. He stared at the device for a while, then tucked it into a drawer. "It's too late for me," he said, to no one in general "but you saved my friend's life. For that, I will try my best to accept the change you bring." And with that he quickly changed into a comfortable robe, to enjoy some of the hapiness he had earned.
Wyvern Posted January 28, 2004 Report Posted January 28, 2004 Overall, I thought this was a very nicely written and entertaining samurai story, DeanTheAdequate. The elements of samurai culture that you incorporated into the piece were used very effectively throughout, particularly those of honor and devotion towards traditional melee weapons. The conflict, crisis, and resolution of the piece were also well developed and interesting. The story currently seems a bit rushed to me, however, due to the personalities of the characters being only briefly touched upon in order to quickly get to the crisis of the piece (the battle). The fighting unfortunatly didn't seem too exciting to me for this reason, and you might want to strengthen the readers attachment to the characters before reaching the battle. You could do this by expanding each segment of the piece and giving the reader a better sense of the relations between the characters and their personalities, particularly those of Naota and Hikame who are only briefly mentioned. Try to show the personalities and backgrounds of the characters through their actions and dialogue rather than explaining them to the reader, as that will make them stronger as characters. An entertaining story with the potential to become a very entertaining story. Thanks for sharing it!
DeanTheAdequate Posted January 29, 2004 Author Report Posted January 29, 2004 Thanks for the input. I free write all my fiction, so it could be said all I do is "works in progress". My idea is to have a bit o' action, then go into the characters I intorduced here. We'll see soon enough.
Gwaihir Posted January 29, 2004 Report Posted January 29, 2004 Just leaving a note here to let you know that I also am reading this and enjoying. Looking forwad to more.
DeanTheAdequate Posted February 16, 2004 Author Report Posted February 16, 2004 Arrgh! I've over-extended myself on other boards!!! New story on Wed. I promise. (Now for a good sword name...)
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