purple_shadows Posted January 26, 2004 Report Posted January 26, 2004 this is accually only the first stanza, still working on the rest. Don't know if i want there to me a "rest" or not yet. This sums it up pretty darn well. The more that you tell me the less I want to hear Worse yet for I shall never be her Ironic how the one exception to the rule Could be so subconsciously cruel
purple_shadows Posted January 26, 2004 Author Report Posted January 26, 2004 disregard the first one, this flows better and has a a better syllable pattern 12, 8, 12, 8. Instead of the origional 12,9,12,8 The more that you tell me the less I want to hear Worse yet for I cannot be her Ironic how the one exception to the rule Could be so subconsciously cruel
Yuki Kokoro Posted January 28, 2004 Report Posted January 28, 2004 I thought this was quite good, but definitely read as a start to a longer piece. It's almost like a teaser. And I feel kinda silly but... what's the one exception to the rule? I didn't get that part. Did you mean that this is the only thing you don't want to hear more about? Or that you really do want to hear more about it even though it hurts? Or something else entirely? :erm: If you feel you have any more to say about this I'd encourage it. If not it was at least practice in editing, which is always good.
purple_shadows Posted January 28, 2004 Author Report Posted January 28, 2004 I guess you'd just have to know me really, really well to know what that means. Its not something I really discuss outside of certain groups of friends.
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