Yatsuna13 Posted January 25, 2004 Report Posted January 25, 2004 hold your hands and close your lips, you don't want them to hear just shut your eyes and dream it sweet. it'll soon to be over dear your skin so soft your shape so perfect, fills me with sour hate no more talk we must start now, before it is too late feel the sting and let it bleed, i smile at my art would you stop moving you're wasting time, i must finish what i start i see terror behind your eyes, feel you growing weak below, there's crimson, not yet have i reached my peak ... my legs are shaking going limp, have you yet to see it wasn't you whose blood i spilled, it all belonged to me yatsuna
Yuki Kokoro Posted January 28, 2004 Report Posted January 28, 2004 Very unusual viewpoint and extremely arresting images. Great job with drawing the reader in. I greatly enjoyed the twist ending too, it makes it necessary to go back and re-read the poem with this new perspective. It's so interesting how many different ways things can be taken. Not only the idea of the last line, but I thought the syllables themselves read very well too. I liked this simple structure and thought it read well and the straightforward approach made the ending must stronger. Nicely done. Only one suggestion, did you mean for the last line of the second stanza to be: "it'll soon be over dear" rather than "to be over"?
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