Mira Posted January 20, 2004 Report Posted January 20, 2004 (edited) Thirty some years And what has been changed? Hate better hidden, Another dark page. And now it has spread To those from the sands. An invisible plague A million bloodied hands Edited January 20, 2004 by Mira
Loki Wyrd Posted January 20, 2004 Report Posted January 20, 2004 I don't think it's only just recently spread to "Those from the sands." There's a long, great history of hatred of all sorts of people in all sorts of places, and it makes me proud that I can say that someone, somewhere hates me.
Merelas Posted January 20, 2004 Report Posted January 20, 2004 Oh... Loki apparently understood this better than I did... I really didn't recognize what you were speaking of that was spreading... was it hate? Bah. I'm sorry... I suppose I'm not quite one to critique, but I'll give it a bash anyways. I really liked this-- the rhythym (I can never spell that word!) was.... enchanting, somehow... it really kept my attention. I read it several (several meaning probably 3 ) times, and each time I was still riveted, listening to the tempo in my mind. It was really good! The only thing that I can suggest that you might want to change would be the length/amount of syllables in the last couplet. It has excellent content, and a good ending, to be sure, but I felt that the break of pattern was unwarrented... perhaps you like it, and if so, keep it! I really did like it overall... perhaps I might suggest the following?: Maybe change from: An invisible plauge, A million bloodied hands To: An unseen plauge A million scarred lands. Hmm.. Reading that again, I don't really like the last line I reccomended... I do like "bloodied hands," but it's one syllable too many... if you can think of a better substitute (if you even want to change it ) Use it! Once again, well done, and I hope to see more of your work soon!
Loki Wyrd Posted January 20, 2004 Report Posted January 20, 2004 I'm not the total comprehensive package you think I am Merelas, just one who guesses. Would I be correct in assuming that this poem dealt with the fact that it was MLK Jr. day? Oh, and let's not forget to check the spelling of 'plauge'
Merelas Posted January 20, 2004 Report Posted January 20, 2004 Deary me! I spelled it wrong twice! I regretfully acknowledge that the word you are referring to is correctly spelt "plague". I apologize for any inconvenience.
Loki Wyrd Posted January 20, 2004 Report Posted January 20, 2004 An apology certainly was necessary, I have to say I was getting teary-eyed seeing it spelled as it was so many times.
Recommended Posts