Mira Posted January 18, 2004 Report Posted January 18, 2004 I'm sick of people who act like this. Look at me I'm filled with hate Hurry up I can not wait I'm boiling Up past the brim These lies I speak This deadly sin Look at me Look at me Look at me I need your words To cut me down This anger is My thorny crown This baseless angst Is just for show A cry for help That will not go Look at me Look at me Look at me I'll do it now If just for kicks A razor blade My daily fix A violent gash My blood set free If only you Would look at me If this should be posted somewhere else (Like the Scarlet Pen) I apologize and ask that it be moved immediately
Loki Wyrd Posted January 19, 2004 Report Posted January 19, 2004 Lol, no, I'm sure it's fine here. Very nicely done. If I cut myself can I bleed on you?
Loki Wyrd Posted January 19, 2004 Report Posted January 19, 2004 The only problem I have with any of this is the second stanza. It looks alright, it just seems to stumble a little when I read it. I notice all the lines have 4 syllables but the first, maybe if you changed it to "I am boiling" it would work better. Also I was thinking maybe if it was "I'm boiling up/Past the brim" that would flow more easily as well. Actually, I think the latter suggestion works better. But I don't know....what do I know? I suppose any of the three options works.
Beautiful Nightmare Posted January 25, 2004 Report Posted January 25, 2004 This is such a cool poem and what makes it even better is that i know were you are coming from!!!! Aaaaah those people make me want to scream i have one as a friend at the moment see the thing is when she is not looking for attention she is a nice person i just dunno what to do with her! Anyway really good poem i loved reading it like five times hehe!
Alaeha Posted January 26, 2004 Report Posted January 26, 2004 I stumbled over the first line... but then I thought for half a second and adjusted boiling's pronunciation from "boy-ling" to "boy-il-ing". Then it was fine. Personally, I think it's fine the way it is. The phrasing on this piece is really ambiguous though, I think. Probably because you use line breaks to imply a pause in some places, but not in others. It wouldn't be unreasonable to read it as if there were a comma between the two lines "I'll do it now If just for kicks" but obviously there's no pause in "if only you would look at me." The last two lines seem to come really suddenly, without any sort of cue leading up to them... but other than at least some manner of punctuation for the sake of clarity, that's all I can think of to suggest right now. Nicely done!
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