Loki Wyrd Posted January 13, 2004 Report Posted January 13, 2004 Oh the wonders that await The escape of your heavenly fate: To spin a world of your own, To help it thrive, and to have watched it grown. Safe from your ordinary life; Free of hatred, prejudice, or strife. To walk or fly as you would, As you please, and only as you could. The world takes on a purplish hue As if you only now see it, and it sees you. Full of life and possibility, And wondrous things only now you can see. Forgotten are your troubles past, You only need worry how long this will last. Time has no place when you're standing still; As with everything, it bends to your will. To feel so complete and in control You feel part of everything, you feel so whole. But as with everything it must fade away, Awaiting your return, wishing you could stay. Returning to reality, and all you hoped to leave behind Finds you waiting to come back, to the playground of your mind. bosh bluey
Ayshela Posted January 13, 2004 Report Posted January 13, 2004 i *really* like this. i didn't think i would, seeing the irregular line lengths, but the flow is really pretty good. There are a couple minorly rough spots, but it was very easy to adjust a little and make them work. i LOVE this line: Time has no place when you're standing still;so often you see/hear how time is endless when you're standing still. it's nice to see the other side of it get some air time. the last line is intriguing, as well. Well done. i almost bypassed this one, and i'm very glad i didn't.
X-Sabre Posted January 13, 2004 Report Posted January 13, 2004 Very nice Loki. Odd structure, but it all flows well. And I love the idea of escaping into the recesses of your mind, it's probably what most people use drugs for.. myself included. I suggest you go listen to Phish - Brian and Robert.. It's kind of like this, but in a sense, very different.
purple_shadows Posted January 14, 2004 Report Posted January 14, 2004 Overall I liked the poem. There were a few rough spots, but the one I have the most trouble with is the fourth line: To help it thrive, and to have watched it grown.The tenses just don't make sense to me and caused for a moment to forget everything but that line. It frustrated me momentarily and took about a minute before I could reallly get over it and move on with the piece. I would recomend moving the have. Perhaps changing it to: To have helped it thrive, and watched it grown. That is really the only problem I had with the piece. Other than that, i absolutely loved it.
Loki Wyrd Posted January 14, 2004 Author Report Posted January 14, 2004 First off, thanks for all your comments. I'm not used to all the attention. :woot: purple_shadows I understand where you're coming from, but I kind of like it as it is. Maybe I can explain so that you understand how it's meant. I use two tenses purposely, because one signifies that I have watched it grown (past), but the other indicates that even to this day (present) that I help it thrive. I wouldn't want it to be left in the past to wilt away, would I? Be sure to keep an eye on the line before it where I say "To spin a world of you own," and not "To have spun a world of your own." But I thank you for your critique nevertheless, I know I do often jump around with my tenses - sometimes intentional, sometimes not.
purple_shadows Posted January 14, 2004 Report Posted January 14, 2004 yes, I seemed to have lost the line in my confusion. It took a couple more readings in order to get it. lol. Though, I did see where you were coming from with you tenses, that subconscious ommision of the line confused me until I realized that it was there. Once that happened, everything seemed to flow much nicer.
Alaeha Posted January 14, 2004 Report Posted January 14, 2004 Blah. I like this... though it took me a while to get around to reading all the way through it. There's one thing that I can't puzzle out though. What the heck is a Bosh Bluey? What is the meaning of Bosh Bluey?
Loki Wyrd Posted January 14, 2004 Author Report Posted January 14, 2004 Lol, I was wondering if anyone would comment on that. It was actually a phrase that I used to say as a little kid (so my parents claim) before I learned this so called "proper" speach. I'm afraid to say it's hidden knowledge has escaped me.
Yuki Kokoro Posted January 14, 2004 Report Posted January 14, 2004 Oh the wonders that await in the playground of your mind. Sorry, after reading it a second time this merging of the first and last lines just wouldn't go away. Sounds almost like a quote from something. I really liked the "As with everything/ it bends to your will" line too. I don't think I've ever heard time expressed seriously as something that bends to your will but here you make it work. I had a little bit of trouble following your line of thought but once I figured it out I enjoyed this, especially the end.
Appy Posted January 15, 2004 Report Posted January 15, 2004 http://www.themightypen.net/public/style_emoticons/default/ohmy.gif This is great. I'm thinking it probably was the word heavenly that made me think that this is about.. well about (a) god really, toying with this world he created and being away from his usual daily business...in heaven ofcourse I don't know why but to me the idea of godly beings having created our world and looking at it as described in your poem gave me a smile The-Things aren't always what they appear, but sometimes they are 'just' that-kinda thing. The use of 'you' and 'your' does good too, me thinks we can all be gods in a way.. or should be I think i've been reading too much Terry Pratchett lately (I wanted to start this post with apologizing to annyone who might've been offended by me talking about religion and such... but I decided against it. If we all keep thinking about the rules who is left to think about the ruled?)
Loki Wyrd Posted January 15, 2004 Author Report Posted January 15, 2004 It's good you didn't try apologizing, or you would have had some serious fist shaking coming your way. I'm glad you liked it.
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