purple_shadows Posted January 13, 2004 Report Posted January 13, 2004 Pardon the intro (you can skip my ramblings if you so desire and continue straight to the poem) There's a door in my driveway! What the hell do you do when there's a door in your driveway! it's just laying there! Argh! So annoying! Naturally, my loatthing of things that have absolutely no logical explaination, combined with being stressed, and rather tired, has led me to write a poem about the random door that has shown up in my driveway. Door in my Driveway There’s a door in my driveway And I just don’t know Is there something I’m missing here? You never can tell you know When there’s a door in your driveway. White and plastic With one of those scary mesh windows And a button handle Lying in my driveway In the way of my car There’s a door in my drive way I wonder how it appeared And nobody notices They say it’s not there But it’s driving me mad
Ayshela Posted January 13, 2004 Report Posted January 13, 2004 i LOVE this! while i understand it's terribly annoying to have such a monstrously large thing in the middle of your parking space, i still wonder - if you were to open it and pop through, where would you end up? ;>
HopperWolf Posted January 13, 2004 Report Posted January 13, 2004 dear god I like this piece!! Serious the first and last stanzas are fantastic. I would say that it might be worth adding a caesura on the second line of the third stanza. The disjointedness that it would have might lend to the surreal feel of the piece overall - that's how I read it in the first place for some odd reason. Also, you have mixed tneses - changing the tense of "notices" of the line below would sort that out. It would read like so: "There’s a door in my drive way I wonder how, it appeared And nobody noticed" Hrm... I'm undecided on the effect of that though. just a suggestion to play with Only other suggestion is MORE! Between the first and final stanza I wouldn't mind seeing three or four stanzas expanding on the [potential?] mysteries behind that doorway. Yes I know there be no mystery - it's just a random door, but when i read your poem I get a very surreal set of images in my head. and the door seems to me to be a great metaphor for so many things that it would be really quite impressive if you expanded in a direction there. As the lovely Ayshela says, where would you end up if you opened it? could be a great pondering piece! And again, I LOVE the work.
Alaeha Posted January 14, 2004 Report Posted January 14, 2004 Heh... and reading all these responses, my thought is Alice in Wonderland. *Childish look* See, I knew about this poem before it was posted. So on you all! I win! I still like it. It's such a random thing... it's almost like writing a poem about eggnog.
Yuki Kokoro Posted January 14, 2004 Report Posted January 14, 2004 *laughs* I love these lighthearted poems. It did indeed ring of an Alice in Wonderland tone, especially these lines: "You never can tell you know/ When there’s a door in your driveway". The last line seems unfinished to me but I can't decide whether that means it needs more poem or that it's fine the way it is because of the way it compliments thethe rest of the piece. If you want to continue I have no objections however. More refreshingly new poetry, today's been a good poetry day.
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