Mira Posted January 8, 2004 Report Posted January 8, 2004 Request C&C Level 4 Btw, if you don't like the last stanza, don't worry, neither do I. This righteousness is blinding me. For is there any in the right? Are some men blessed to walk the days, while we’re all damned to haunt the nights? And who are they to be the judge of lowly serfs or rial kings? These demagogues of common men, who guide our lives with silver strings. When dissidence is all but lost, and no man stands to fill the void; Republic falls to corporate hands, Democracy is left destroyed. But don’t despair before the end, and leave your hope beside the road. For there are some wh do not know the story that their life may hold There are some who may yet stand up, with steadfast voice and vision true, to lead the nations of this world, to twist the fates of me and you.
Loki Wyrd Posted January 8, 2004 Report Posted January 8, 2004 I didn't think the last stanza was bad, I enjoyed the poem as a whole.
Ayshela Posted January 8, 2004 Report Posted January 8, 2004 Mira, the chances of my ever having anything to suggest on anything you write are so slim they'd be a supermodel's envy.. absolutely the only thing i saw in the time i have to give this (which is shamefully short) is that i'd omit the "up" on the first line of the last stanza. You'd recover the rhythm without it, and honestly.. who cares of they had to arise or were already standing? ;> The notion that they stand to lead is, to me, the important part
Mira Posted January 8, 2004 Author Report Posted January 8, 2004 (edited) I might have taken out the "up", but then that would be the only line in the poem with less then eight syllables. I had gotten so far by that point, I just couldn't change it then. Edited January 9, 2004 by Mira
Ayshela Posted January 9, 2004 Report Posted January 9, 2004 *nod* if you're going on a strict syllabic count, yes. it has, though, four feet without the "up" in a smoother flow, so i guess it depends on how you count it. =)
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