A knife in the hand is worth two in the back

[Boaz]

well, figured I would just post the story in the other forum, and leave the self depretiation of the story out.

Here is where I meant to put it. but I am not sure the story is even worth that.

Well my only defense for the start of the story is, I wrote it at 4am after no sleep, and I have actually not written a peice of fiction(other than research papers )

in several years... actually..now that I think about it...*thinks* I think it has been about 6-8 years since I really wrote a something longer than a paragraph that was fiction.

 

anyway.. if youy liked the story and want to say so and why, here is the place

if you hated it..I would love that feedback too.

if you have gramatical or style comments.. those are welcome, though I doubt my poor rusty skills in grammer would be able to keep up with any real discussion about that sort of thing(but hey, try me)

 

anyway... the stage is now yours

[Wyvern]

You're definitely off to a good start, Boaz. I'm looking forward to learning more about Seth and the King's dilemma, and am intrigued to see where the story developes. I particularly liked your uses of dialogue in this first segment, as they were worded very nicely and really built tension between the two parties.

 

One thing I feel you might be able to improve in this segment is the tense. When it's noted who's speaking in the dialogue, the tense shifts from past ("argued the small man...") to present ("the man asks...") to past again ("Replied the contact..."). Choose past or present and make sure you stick with it the whole way through.

 

Another small thing you might be able to improve in the second paragraph of this segment is the use of more showing and less telling in the description of Seth. In the paragraph, the reader is told that "He knows the basic rule by heart, people can’t defend against the unknown, and the unwary are the easiest kills. He is a silent killer, the one that people in the know, and with the money, can learn how to contact." Rather than telling the reader that Seth knows the rules and is a killer, you might want to show these characteristics through actions and details. Perhaps Seth could carry around a special kind of knife only used by silent killers? Or maybe he could show that he knows the rules by mentioning one or two of them in his dialogue?

 

Anyhow, hope these comments help. It's excellent to see you writing again after such a long time, and I'm definitely looking forward to the continuation of the story.

[Merelas]

mmm...

 

I agree with Wyvern. Off to a very good start, and all, and I also agree about how to teach us that Seth is a cold-blooded killer:

 

What if you show (in the story) Seth killing the king's Cousin? It would be an exciting start, and plus, we would know he was a killer!

 

You can play up the fact that the contact doesn't know that his partner is dead yet, and still get the element of surprise at least on the part that the man he killed was the King's cousin.

 

I think this is going to be veerrrrrrrrry interesting. Good start, and I greatly anticipate more.

[Boaz]

well, since people actually seem to be reading it, I thought I would actually add some more to the story. I hope it is enjoyable for you all, since I really don't think so myself, but I am not the best judge.

 

thanks for the comments. I appreciate them. I may go back and ad certain elements once I get the basic story down on paper. see the whole thing so that I can see just where stuff will fit best.

as I believe you can see, I have done my best to avoid tense problems in this second section

[Merelas]

SECOND SECTION!?!?

 

Dashes off for the Assembly room!

[Peredhil]

Just zipped through this. Pressed for time, so I'll try to be more language cop critical when i get a moment, but you might read it out loud to yourself and see if you're shifting verb tense. Easier to catch when you hear it outside your head.

 

But just wanted to say that I think you have the heart of it - I get a feeling and see the story easily, so you have an idea - the grammar stuff is just tweaking.

 

I like how you can blend traditional character/plot/detail influences into something fresh, new, and all you. One reason I like to read your material - it's familiar while being original.

 

*hugs and run*

 

-Peredhil

[Boaz]

3rd part posted, but at the moment the muses seem to be avoiding me..so the finish will be added later..

 

well folks? I have tried to put most situations into the story, internal dialog, conversations between friendly parties, and between semi hostel, combat, etc.

Any real weaknesses you see in style or anything? Any real strengths?

 

Now, I don’t want any false flattery to “keep me creating” and trust me, the more “honest” response I think I get, the more I am willing to post.

 

Also, if the story sucks..please tell me, because I really don’t have the mental energy to waste on something that isn’t worth the time but I just don’t realize it. I believe that the creator is sometimes the one that is most blind to the true value of the creation.

[Appy]

(Felt that I could start right away with commenting )

Something small from the second part that reads wrong to me is this sentence:

 

"A big fist hits the table, hard and the uncomfortable silence is broken by the sound of the distant tolling of a bell."

 

It indicates that the big fist hitting the table hard brings forth a silenced sound.. instead of being followed by one.

Suggestion in italics:

 

"A big fist hits the table, hard, and the uncomfertable silence that follows is broken by the sound of the distant tolling of a bell."

 

That's all for the second part, I found both that and the first part well written and a good read, story-wise.

 

Now for the third part, which had me completely confused during the fight I'm afraid... and maybe I have a solution for that.

What had me confused is the big huge chunk of text with monologues and actions mixed up a bit too much.

Once used to it, it might indeed give the idea of speed (which I felt was tried?) but I think it might read a bit easier with more spacing.. either put spaces between all actions and monologues(italics still):

 

(italic monologue)

 

(action)

 

(italic monologue)

 

or space it like this:

 

(italic monologue)

(action)

 

(italic monologue)

(action)

 

personally the second would work the best for me...

 

Now while writing this I realize that all this is layout or petty grammar thingy's (don't you just love thingy's? I love thingy's )

On to the actual story

 

It is intriguing from start and almost reads as a play. The first two parts would be perfect for stage performance and I found that a plus. The concept is old, but refreshed by use of thoughts in the third part. Very nice how you use all aspects that make up a novel in such a short time (action, dialogue and scenery, to name a few) The only thing that threw me off especially in the third part is the switching between now and then, and I miss something there still.. possibly it is that even now the assassin doesn't seem uncomfertable with this job still, even though things didn't go all too well with getting into the castle(?) but this isn't shown completely and clear. If you can somehow make that more obvious (either that he's still confident in his own skills or that he's getting nervous) I think it would improve the story..

 

Overall a good read and I look forward to reading the last part for sure! (and will try not to distract you too much in irc while you write it ok? )

 

*hugs*

Edited January 16, 2004 by Appy

[Boaz]

sorry for the lag in writing... if any of you even remember I was writing a story that is ... what with it being a while since I have updated it... but anyway...

 

I think that maybe the finishing move that was done on the giant is a little hard for some to grasp... I get it fine, but then again I have the kind gentle version done to me about twice a week... here is a link to the kind gentle version.. the vid might take a bit to load..but it will give good visual conformation of the move..

the only difference is that if you keep the head between your arms, and lock them(rather than loosly cup it and let the person fall) you break the neck.. this is something that you only do if it is a life or death situation..but anyway.. here is the link

 

http://www.geocities.com/aikido_arkansas/aiki_nage.htm

 

 

ps.. my roommate is the one taking the fall in the vid

Edited February 4, 2004 by Boaz

[Boaz]

wow.. well after over a year I have finally added something to the story of Seth.. depending on if it seems to actually be read I should continue to write more of the story. I would appreciate any comments... be it simple thoughts on the story, critiques, suggestions... or even a "boo! you suck! take away his keyboard!"

 

 

Thanks

 

Boaz