Back in Poetry

[Solivagus]

I see the black cloak around him whirling.

I see the sharpened scythe of death come hurling.

I see the bleached white skull of bone appear.

I see the burning eyes of blue draw near.

 

I feel the touch of his fatal blade.

I feel the warmth of my life fade.

I feel the calling of the grave.

I feel the life no more to save.

 

I hear the sound of distant feet.

I hear the false cries of folks on the street.

I hear the sound of sirens blaring.

I hear the hush of people staring.

 

I smell the stench of rotting meat.

I smell the damp of rain and sleet.

I smell the wind as it passes over.

I smell the joy that my life’s over.

 

I taste the earth beneath which I'm dumped.

I taste the waste, ‘round which I'm slumped.

I taste the final joy I brought.

At least my death was not for naught.

Edited January 5, 2004 by Solivagus

[Solivagus]

See the ghost train come a ‘flying

See the howls of those still dying.

See the tears of sorrow wept.

See the look of pain been kept.

 

Smell that which you cannot see.

Smell those of fear and those of glee.

Smell the dead as the ghost train passes.

Smell them as cold wind sweeps the grasses.

 

Hear them call in sudden fear.

Hear them cry as the end draws near.

Hear their screams as realisation dawns.

Hear the ghost train and the storms.

 

Touch the wind as it rushes by,

Touch your arms into the sky.

Touch the ghosts as they are carried.

Touch the souls as they are tarried.

 

Taste the air as it rushes past.

Taste the air from first to last.

Taste as each soul sinks to the ground again,

Taste as the ghost train passes again.

Edited January 5, 2004 by Solivagus

[Merelas]

Wow... these really appeal to the five senses... as you obviously intended.

 

I like very much, and I hope to see more of your work soon!

[dragonqueen]

Nicely done. Very descriptive. I particularly liked

I hear the hush of people staring.

[Quincunx]

Rare are the poems that appealed to me more when spoken--the repetition raw on the eyes makes a perfect mantra for the ears. These were chants for many people in unison, so the first poem (which is not limited to one speaker) sounds better to me. Don't change a line!

[Yuki Kokoro]

The chanting rhythm added a lot to both these poems (or parts of one poem).

 

I really liked these last lines of the first one: "I taste the final joy I brought/ At least my death was not for naught" They change the tone of the whole poem from the suffering of death to the triumph this death brings.