Elvida Posted January 4, 2004 Report Posted January 4, 2004 Beauty True beauty is the love of that special person. It is the snow falling at night. It is that perfect moment…when you feel perfect peace It is a red rose with thorns Beauty can be pain, pleasure, or sorrow Beauty is the blood that flows from a cut, The kisses that flow from an innocent mouth The tears that flow from a broken heart. Once I thought I knew beauty I saw beauty in the airbrushed faces of celebrities It was in the makeup and clothes of a model It was a statement said by the wealthy, and I conformed to it. Now I know that I know beauty. I see beauty in art, in poetry. I see it in my loved one’s face, And I think “such a thing should be without price” ---------------------------------------------------------- it was a tad random....but please....give me your thoughts and ideas on it...i have a feeling it could maybe use a bit of work.
Regel Posted January 4, 2004 Report Posted January 4, 2004 Well for an evil vampire angel I would say that was an excellent description of beauty. Strengths of this piece for me are the strong visualizations. True beauty is the love of that special person. It is the snow falling at night. It is that perfect moment…when you feel perfect peace It is a red rose with thorns The imagery is very strong in the first two verses but feel you could have focused a little more on the rest. Maybe a little less to convey the same thoughts. (ie. Why did I believed beauty was painted mannequins and runway clothes? It's not a statement of wealth but something that can't be measure in money but perhaps only felt in your heart.) Very nice ideas.
Elvida Posted January 4, 2004 Author Report Posted January 4, 2004 yesh...evil vampire angels have been alive long enough to know true beauty.... thank you for the comments...
Peredhil Posted January 4, 2004 Report Posted January 4, 2004 I like the contrasts embedded. Random reply to a random post? (I'm distracted but couldn't walk by this one.) "True beauty... Is that special person's love" - a bit tighter and less passive voice. this is a preference thing, but my uneducated poetic style is to say how I would've done it. Breaking the line sets up a figure of speech to indicate emphasis through repetition (is... is... is...) As a segue to the second verse, perhaps, "It is a rose with blooded thorns." That image leads into the explanation of the pleasure/pain duality for me. If you did that, I'd switch the first two lines of the 2nd stanza - rose thorns, cuts, explanation seems to flow logically to me and the use of "is" in the first line would bridges the stanzas as well. Could even repeat the broken line of "True beauty is the blood that flows from a cut" which sets up a question answered in the next line. shocked from the traditional, open for explanation? Definitely agree with Regel (as usual). Third verse is more of a series of statements, true but without the explanation or connectivity. As the first of the personal stanzas that makes use of "I", what could you do? Hmmm. hesitantly Something like? "Once I thought I knew beauty It was reflected in the airbrushed faces of celebrities It was a statement said by the wealthy Seductive lies; I conformed to it." The two "know" in the next line, perhaps change one to "understand"? the ending line, "such things" since you've listed? I hope you take this not a poetry hijacking, but as an expression that I really like what you've done. -Peredhil
Beautiful Nightmare Posted January 4, 2004 Report Posted January 4, 2004 meh its a really good poem! *hugs* glad to see you writting
Zen Posted January 5, 2004 Report Posted January 5, 2004 Your poem is great. I wish i could critic it better but I fear I dont have that power yet. I Thoroughly enjoyed it. Well I'm of. And again great job.
Elvida Posted January 5, 2004 Author Report Posted January 5, 2004 (edited) thanks..and Peredhil...thanks for the suggestions Edited January 5, 2004 by Elvida
Merelas Posted January 7, 2004 Report Posted January 7, 2004 Oooh! Claps his hands quickly like a little child ExtrEEEEMely well done, if you as me. I really liked this work. I have to say that I agree with both Peredhil and Regel in that the first two stanzas were the most moving for me, although the entire piece was beautiful. I'm afraid I'm not in a smart enough (i.e. energized enough ) state to put the amount of thought and suggestions that Peredhil's "Uneducated" (give me a break, lol) critique provided, however I did notice one thing... what was it... *goes back, re-reads* Oh! Third stanza, fourth line: It was a statement said by the wealthy, and I conformed to it. I would change the word "said" to "made" if it were me, but I think it's just a matter of personal preference. I don't know. Maybe it works there, I'm a bit tired, lol, but again, great job! I hope to see more of your work really soon, and keep going!
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