Loki Wyrd Posted January 2, 2004 Report Posted January 2, 2004 I haven't posted most of my latest writings here, so I guess I'm overdue. I wrote one poem that those that don't know any better would call a nice sort of poem, and another to balance it that's more down my alley. Here goes: I'll meet you at the end of the world; There we shall be together, Just you and me forever. Let us walk towards the sunset; Don't look back. It's not that we need to forget, Just don't lose track. We can stay in the shadow, Where only the wild may grow. Life may thrive once more, As it never has before. For there you shall be, Standing next to me, Walking hand in hand, Leaving behind the end. For us it's just beginning, The sunset never ending. ---------------------------------------- I'll bottle up my anger And inflict it on myself, For the benefit of others, If only it would help. Trying to say what words can not, I can't say a thing. I can string together these words, Which I can't bear to sing. You don't know what you're doing, But would you care if you did? But for the burns and cuts, I must keep it carefully hid. Nothing can cut deep enough, Or burn away the pain; It's only flesh and blood, All destroyed or spilled in vain. I know that scars may heal If only given time, But certain wounds may not, Just take a look at mine. What do you think?
Merelas Posted January 2, 2004 Report Posted January 2, 2004 The second one is chilling... I found my eyes getting wider and wider as I read... it is definately infused with talent... The first is also rather good. The form is different, and I like the way you vary the rhyme scheme and stanza length. The only thing I would note about the "happy poem" is that it seemd a little quick to end, if you ask me. It left me with an unfinished feeling, but perhaps that's just me. They were both excellent. I was really amazed at the second one... the conformity of it to rhyme scheme and stanza/foot length in it fit this poem better than it would have the first. Well done, and I hope to see more!
Loki Wyrd Posted January 3, 2004 Author Report Posted January 3, 2004 I was originally intending to write more for the first one, but I haven't gotten around to it yet. I can only write so much of a positive sort of work, before I collapse w/in myself. And I'm glad you enjoyed the second one, I just wrote that earlier today. I wrote the other one last night.
sleepless Posted January 4, 2004 Report Posted January 4, 2004 yo Loki Hows things? To be honest the first poem wasn't my type, so I'll skip straight to the second if thats ok. I have to say I like it - a phrase which I'm sure gets used too much round here but even so - and especially the forth verse; primarily because I always try to rhyme "pain" with "rain" or "disdain" or "shame" .. etc.. and so it was rather refreshing to see a different word used - indeed, one that could be linked more closely to the subject of hurt emotion (apologies if I go too deep!) One small thing that I did pick up on, was the way in which the first four verses are in the future tense - something that the subject and you are going to do rather than what you are currently doing. Thus, the first line of the second stanza could possibly do with correction - eg; -- Trying to say what words can not becomes Trying to say what words will not, -- This in turn, means that the rhythm in the rest of the verse can be shaped towards the other parts of the poem. Where before; "can't"s couldn't be turned to "cannots" for fear of repition, they now can be and the verse can be better balanced - if that is an aim. Obviously this is your poem, and I think it's pretty good already; but a lot of the time with poetry things need revising a few times before completion. Cheerio.
Loki Wyrd Posted January 4, 2004 Author Report Posted January 4, 2004 Thanks for the advice, I'll be sure to consider it. My only problem is I don't care enough about any of this stuff I write to change it. I usually just write down whatever pops into my head, and leave it. Probably not a good idea if I ever want to try to write something good. I'll be working on it...
Loki Wyrd Posted January 4, 2004 Author Report Posted January 4, 2004 BTW...when am I going to see you posting some of your writings? I think all I've seen of yours is that one poem on our old site a while back. I'm starting to wonder about you
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