Beautiful Nightmare Posted January 2, 2004 Report Posted January 2, 2004 (edited) Light fades Darkness wins Flowers sleep The sun dims. All of this Im my mind I wake up Only to find The darkness is stronger The light is dimmer While you are gone. Edited January 2, 2004 by Arwen
Merelas Posted January 2, 2004 Report Posted January 2, 2004 This is awesome! Beautifully written, to be quite honest. I like the way you broke the rhyme scheme with the last line... it really adds emphasis. Good work!
Loki Wyrd Posted January 3, 2004 Report Posted January 3, 2004 It was good. I don't mind the departure at the end of the poem, but I'd suggest using more powerful words to convey your feelings of the light and darkness. It could just be me, but stronger and dimmer don't really stir much within me. Also, do you think for the last line when works better than while? - just a thought. Oh yes, and be sure to read over for typos.
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