HopperWolf Posted December 21, 2003 Report Posted December 21, 2003 (edited) And so you come, Face to face, With the one who held your gaze, Enraptured within, His heart created maze. Not for fragile minds, this, But try it if you may, And see the fruits of love, As you think upon the day. Edited January 7, 2004 by HopperWolf
Yuki Kokoro Posted December 21, 2003 Report Posted December 21, 2003 This piece has an interesting mood. The tone is serious, almost formal, and the line: "not for fragile minds, this" implies that these thoughts could be harmful, almost dark. On the other hand, the title of the poem, Daydreamer, brings to mind light-hearted thoughts (for me at least) and stands in contrast to the poem itself. Unusual approach. I couldn't tell if it was purposeful, but lines 4 and 6 both ending in "this" caught my eye/ear. My only suggestion would be changing one of those, but I'm not sure what it could be changed to. Line four could be: "enraptured within" but then you'd start to loose the rhythm of each line being it's own phrase... Either way, nice work. I enjoyed it.
Beautiful Nightmare Posted December 22, 2003 Report Posted December 22, 2003 Ooooooo this is really cool i like!
HopperWolf Posted December 24, 2003 Author Report Posted December 24, 2003 thanks for the comments, Yuki, I had to agree. I was reluctant to change the sound at first but find that now it seems to flow a little better with "within" Thanks for the suggestion. very much appreciated!
sleepless Posted January 4, 2004 Report Posted January 4, 2004 [apologies for bring another old topic to the top] Really great poem. I found it hinged around the "Face to face" line; without it, the poem would have less impact - but with it, the reader immediately gets to know what it is you're aiming at. I always find it interesting how a couple of words (in this case three) can make a poem really stand out. Nice name btw
HopperWolf Posted January 4, 2004 Author Report Posted January 4, 2004 thank you very much sleepless it warms this dog's heart that someone liked his work enough to revive it
Zen Posted January 5, 2004 Report Posted January 5, 2004 hmm there are so many great works here. yours is one of them *raises glass to all the writers in the house*
Merelas Posted January 7, 2004 Report Posted January 7, 2004 Clinks glasses with Zen, sipping, and setting it down before commenting. Hopperwolf! You're really amazing. I haven't seen very much of your work around here at all, and now I'm sad about that because what I have seen is really, really good. This flowed perfectly, and I was amazed by how much you conveyed in a short amount of words... I did have one suggestion, but my memory is going to hell in a handbasket... OH! I remember now. Ok, I loved it the whole way through, really I did, but the last line got to me a little bit... it was too long, if you ask me. This is (as all of my suggestions seem to be... bah. ) a matter of personal preference, but I would remove the part about sleep in that very last line. Since the title was "daydreamer", implying no sleep, it's not really essential, and it shortens it (i.e., appeases my gripes, lol. ) Anyways. That's just my two bits. Really, I was amazed with how powerful a short poem like that can be. It was very, very good. And, sleepless, never be afraid to comment on an old, old work. It gets more people to see it (I never would have if you hadn't,) and thus, more feedback for the author. Again, good all around!
HopperWolf Posted January 7, 2004 Author Report Posted January 7, 2004 thank you merelas!! noted, agreed and changed I must say i appreciate your comments greatly. thanks! Love it when someone helps me out like that. i agree, sleeper. without merelas seeing it he would not have given such feedback, my ego would not be that little bigger, and more importantly, i would not have changed my poem for the better. oh, and thank you Zen as well. comments always good.
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