Mira Posted December 18, 2003 Report Posted December 18, 2003 Hush, whispered the wind in my ear, in my heart Don’t speak another word, don’t tear the world apart Don’t look upon days gone by with longing and desire, Or contemplate loves long lost, they’ll only get you mired Look someone spoke, someone uttered, someone said Just look here around you, see everything you have Gaze at the ones you love and never look away For soon they’ll all be gone and you’ll have nothing left to say I don’t want anything more Just stay here for a while I don’t need anything more Just stay and make me smile But the wind blew away, never to return And people never stay, they leave when it’s their turn And in the end you might be glad for all the one’s you’ve had But all to often in the end, everyone is sad I was working on a last stanza, but it just seemed like I was streching for length rather then adding valuable content.
Quincunx Posted December 18, 2003 Report Posted December 18, 2003 Of that last stanza, lines one and three are good, yet two and four seem like they are there only to pair with one and three. You do need that summary stanza though, so scratch the two weak lines (and take the apostrophe out of 'one's' ). There may need to be a comma after 'Look', first line, second stanza--if quotation marks were there, you'd need one. The first line of the first stanza has a comma in a similar spot. For that matter, the entire first stanza is well-balanced and shouldn't be changed. Is it the wind speaking in the third stanza, or the mind to which it whispers? I can't advise on the rest until I know.
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